00:01
In this lecture, we're going to be discussing
a new social style system called the
Enneagram that specifically addresses
difficult behavior.
00:08
You'll start out taking an assessment to
determine what number you are between one and
nine. Then we're going to talk about the
nine different compulsions that drive
difficult behavior.
00:17
And you'll learn about the difference
between aggressive, passive, assertive,
passive aggressive behavior.
00:24
Let's start out talking about the Enneagram,
a social style system that directly addresses
difficult behavior and the compulsions that
drive it.
00:34
The Enneagram is different from the other
social style systems we talked about.
00:38
Remember when we were discussing whether
you're a one or a two or a three or a four?
The driver, the amiable, the analytical and
the expressive those
personality systems or social style systems
have been around for about the past 50
years. And as I mentioned before, they're
all very similar.
00:53
But the Enneagram, this is one that has been
around for thousands of years.
00:57
This system had been passed on verbally
until finally somebody put it down in
writing, and now we're still using it today
as one of the most effective
personality systems that helps you address
and conquer difficult, toxic
behavior. The Enneagram is different from
the other systems in that it is
not specifically addressing or wasn't
designed to specifically address all of your
strengths and then your weaknesses.
01:21
It was designed specifically to address the
reasons why we are difficult when we're
difficult. There are basically nine
compulsions that drive difficult behavior,
that drive human behavior.
01:32
Now, by the way, you might see this system
being used in pop culture these days
where people will take it and they'll make
it into more of a lighthearted system.
01:42
But don't be fooled.
01:44
This was intended and used specifically to
figure out why are we difficult when
we're difficult? Let's start out talking
about the nine different numbers
or the nine different compulsions.
01:56
We're going to assume that each one of us in
the back of our mind has some phrase that we
say to ourselves throughout the day, over
and over and over and over, that drives all
of our behavior.
02:07
For example, some people are thinking to
themselves all day long,
I am if I am perfect, I am if I am perfect,
if I am not perfect, what am I?
So the number one is the perfect compulsion.
02:20
I am if I am perfect.
02:24
What that means to us is if we find that
somebody is a number one,
knowing that in their mind they're thinking
all day long, I am if I am perfect, I must be
perfect. I must be perfect.
02:35
If I am not perfect, who am I?
If I know that I can speak to that behavior
before the difficult behavior
manifests? For example, if I know that
you're going around thinking,
I must be perfect, I must be perfect, if I
were to use a danger phrase with the number
one, such as now that's good enough.
02:56
I'm asking for trouble because a number one,
if they hear something that they did or if
they hear something about themselves being
referred to as good enough, they're going to
think good enough, know that it's never good
enough.
03:09
It has to be perfect.
03:11
Therefore, if you know that somebody is a
number one, you can specifically
address their difficult behavior or their
compulsion so that it never manifests and
never causes a problem.
03:21
What happens is we all have a compulsion and
we'll talk about the other eight.
03:25
And when we feel as though our compulsion or
our specific need that
drives us through life is not getting met,
then we start to exhibit difficult
behavior. For example, let's talk about the
number two.
03:39
The number two we're going to say, goes
through life saying I am if I am needed,
I'm needed, I must be needed.
03:46
And if I am not needed, I'll create a
situation in which I'm needed.
03:50
Therefore, if I know, for example, that
somebody is someone who needs to feel as
though they are needed by others, I'm going
to specifically address that and tell them
things that say, I need you.
04:02
You're a valuable part of this team.
04:04
We all need you, because some of us, we've
all experienced this where
we realize that somebody we work with or we
live with need something.
04:13
For example, they need to feel special as
one of the numbers needs to feel, and we'll
talk about that one. But many times when we
are with someone and we
sense, boy, you're needy or boy, you really
think you're
special, we tend to want to tell them, just
so you know, you're
not that special or just so you know, I
don't need you.
04:36
And that is one of our top mistakes we make
as communicators.
04:41
When we see a need.
04:42
Many times we specifically address the need,
but in the opposite manner from how we
should, so that people get unstuck and move
along.
04:49
For example, if you're working with somebody
and you recognize, boy, you really feel the
need to be needed around here.
04:56
Many times we specifically try not to need
them.
04:59
But what will happen is if they don't feel
that their compulsion is being met, they're
going to keep doing things.
05:05
You're going to keep doing things.
05:07
I'm going to keep doing things until I meet
the needs of my compulsion as savvy
communicators. If we know that and keep our
ego aside now, that's a
big deal. We all have an ego that drives us
through life.
05:19
Our egos just say different things.
05:21
And if your ego says, for example, Hey.
05:25
Make sure to tell them that you don't need
them or make sure to tell them that they're
not so special.
05:30
What's going to happen is we won't be able
to achieve our communication goal because the
other person is going to be busy fixating
on.
05:37
But wait a minute. I must get that need met.
05:39
I must. I must. I must. I must.
05:41
And while they're thinking that, while their
self-talk is going because remember, our
self-talk tends to run at about 800 words
per minute, all day, every day.
05:49
If that's blocking the message from getting
through, well, then we've sabotaged our own
success simply by trying to feed our ego and
let somebody else's ego know you are
not so special. So as we talk about these
different numbers, keep in mind we all
have one. And you will be taking an
assessment to figure out exactly what number
you are. For example, the number three, the
number threes go through life
thinking I must be successful, I must be
number one.
06:14
If I'm not number one, I'm going to do
everything it takes to be number one.
06:18
Now, of course, as I talk about these
compulsions, I'm going to exaggerate them
because there are healthy levels.
06:24
For example, if you have recognized that you
have a need to be perfect, you've worked
through that because all difficult behavior
that bothers us is not about the other
difficult people. It's always about us.
06:36
So if you have recognized, Boy, that's my
compulsion and you somehow worked through it
so that it's not driving your difficult
behavior so that it's not extreme
anymore, that's great.
06:46
Most of us haven't gotten there quite yet.
06:49
Therefore, we need to address what it is
that's driving our compulsion so that
we can try and work through whatever it is
it brings up in us.
06:58
And if you're working with somebody, for
example, who's a number three and they feel
the need to always be number one again, many
of us feel the need to tell them,
just so you know, you're not always number
one.
07:11
However, if we are going to be savvy
communicators so that we can get past
people's compulsions, get them unstuck, so
to speak, so that we can deliver the message,
that's really the goal. Try telling people
if you recognize they're number threes, boy,
you are number one. You're the best.
07:27
What we really want to do is once we realize
what other people's
compulsion is, you want to make sure that
you're addressing it and saying, Hello, I see
you. Remember this.
07:39
On a molecular basis.
07:40
On an atomic basis.
07:42
On a genetic basis.
07:44
Things behave differently if they believe
that they are seen if
we see them. And what I mean by that is in a
laboratory, for
example, we have now discovered that if you
are looking at molecules and
atoms as they move, they move and behave
differently than if you are
not looking at them.
08:05
And we'll talk about that experiment in
another lesson.
08:08
However, I know that on any level, the way
things communicate,
it's going to be the same on every level.
08:15
And I know that if I look at molecules and
atoms, they're going to move
differently than they would if they felt as
though they were invisible.
08:24
And people are the exact same way.
08:28
If we believe that we are invisible, if our
needs, if something in us is feeling as
though it's not being seen, it's not being
recognized, it's going to behave
differently until it finally is satisfied
that yep, I have been seen.
08:42
If you are the person who makes sure that
those around you don't feel invisible
because we have an epidemic of invisible
people in the
planet. And when people feel as though they
are invisible, when they feel as though their
needs aren't getting met, whatever's inside
of them that drives their behavior both good
and bad, is not visible, is not being seen.
09:02
They're going to behave in a certain way,
generally a negative way, until they feel as
though finally somebody saw me.
09:09
So if you want to speed up the process so
that you can quickly get to the goal.
09:14
I see you.
09:15
I see you and your compulsion.
09:17
You are visible to me.
09:19
If people around you believe that they are
visible, that you see both the good and bad
in them, but you see them, people will
behave very differently.
09:28
And that's true on any level.
09:31
Therefore, if you're working with a number
four, remember the number fours are those who
go through life thinking I am.
09:39
If I am special, I must be special, I must
be different, I am unique.
09:42
And if I am not special, what am I?
Therefore, if you're working with a number
four, let them know you are different.
09:49
You're special.
09:50
Number fives, for example.
09:52
They're going through life thinking, I must
get information, I must get more information.
09:56
I don't know enough about this.
09:57
I can't take action until I have more
information.
09:59
And when you're working with a number five,
for example, many times they're the ones who,
if you're working on a project with them,
will say, wait, wait, wait, I need more
information before we begin.
10:10
And we sometimes get frustrated with people
who are always gathering information, or
when you ask them a simple question, they
give you a lot of information.
10:19
Again, we simply need to recognize, Oh, I
get it.
10:22
If you're giving me a lot of information,
it's because you're really trying to honor me
and give me what you think that you need.
10:28
Therefore, what I'm going to do is honor you
and I'm going to give you what I now
recognize. You need information, maybe
patience, but I'm going to let you gather the
information you need, and maybe I'll simply
help you get started a little quicker.
10:41
Then we have our number sixes.
10:43
The number sixes are the ones who are loyal.
10:45
What that really means is I follow the
rules.
10:49
I'm part of the team. I'm doing things the
right way, and I'm trying to make sure that
everybody else is right.
10:54
You're following the rules.
10:55
And many times, if we're working with a
number six, we want to break the rules and
force them to break the rules.
11:01
For example, protocol means a lot to a
number six knowing, for example,
can I eat in this room?
What time am I supposed to be here?
What's the protocol?
And if you know what the protocol is, where
you are, and follow it around the six,
they're more comfortable. They know what it
is and they follow it.
11:19
Number sevens are those that want to project
the image of a happy person.
11:23
Everything's okay.
11:24
I'm good. I am happy.
11:26
I am. If I am happy, I bring light and
sunshine wherever I go.
11:30
You never see me upset.
11:31
And if you say something around me like We
need to talk, I will vanish.
11:35
Therefore, with the number seven, for
example, many of us, when we're working with
people who are always happy, they're always
happy.
11:41
We somehow want to peel that away so that we
can show them and prove to
ourselves You are not always that happy.
11:48
However, again, if instead of doing that, I
take the savvy communicator route and
acknowledge, Boy, you're always a ray of
sunshine, aren't you?
That will help me again get through to them
more quickly because I'm addressing their
compulsion. I'm saying I see you and they
get unstuck.
12:04
That will happen.
12:05
Then of course we have our ates.
12:07
Our ates are powerful.
12:08
They go through the day and through life
thinking I am.
12:11
If I am powerful, I must be in power.
12:13
I must be powerful. I'm in charge.
12:15
I must be in charge and show people I'm in
charge.
12:17
Therefore, if you're working with an eight,
when we are not thinking, we tend to want to
tell them things that send a message that
says You are not the boss of me.
12:26
However, if we are a savvy communicator,
we'll recognise, oh I get it.
12:31
You're always feeling the need to control,
to be in charge.
12:34
You want to demonstrate power every place
that you go.
12:37
All right, then I will tell you, you're the
boss.
12:39
You're the boss of me.
12:40
And when you hear that, when your compulsion
has been satisfied
again, then you'll be able to move along.
12:47
Because we all have a need.
12:50
You have a need. And when you feel as though
your need isn't getting met, that's what we
tend to focus on rather than whatever the
task may be at hand.
12:58
But when we tell other people, I see your
need, I'm addressing it, then
people again get unstuck and all of a sudden
you'll notice people functioning more
normally when they believe that they're safe
with you, that they're seen with you, their
needs are getting met with you.
13:14
For example, the number nine, the number
nine are those who go through the day and go
through life saying, I am peaceful,
everything is good, my
vibe is good. I am if I am peaceful and if
I'm not peaceful, I may cease to
exist. Therefore, when you're around a
number nine, don't try and shake things up.
13:33
The number nines are those who tend to have
a quiet vibe.
13:37
They tend to have gentle footsteps.
13:39
And many times my brother, for example,
who's the number eight?
He's a number eight. He likes things to
shake up.
13:45
He likes to cause a commotion where he goes.
13:47
He likes to be seen and heard.
13:48
He's a powerful person.
13:50
So when he's around a number nine, he likes
to shake it up
and drag the number nines into his party.
13:59
Number Nines don't like that and he likes
watching them as they are
uncomfortable being dragged into things that
are not peaceful.
14:07
And while sometimes it can be entertaining
for us to recognise somebody's
compulsion and then poke at it and make
people a little bit crazy by telling
them You're not perfect, you're not needed,
you're not successful, you're not special,
you are not so smart.
14:21
You are not following the rules.
14:23
You're not so happy. You're not in charge of
me.
14:25
And we're going to have a party right here.
14:27
However, now that we know, if I can learn to
recognise the
compulsions, address them, let you know that
need is getting met here.
14:36
You're safe. I see you then.
14:39
Those with whom I work, and sometimes, more
importantly, with whom I live, are going
to feel satisfied and safe.
14:46
And then we can address the real issues,
whether that's work or feelings or whatever
it is. When we're not focusing on our
compulsion, we can focus on the
people that were with.
14:57
So now it's time to take out your
assessment.
15:00
You will have an assessment where you'll be
asked a series of questions and you'll answer
them honestly. And when you're done, you'll
find out what number you are, if you would
like, by the way, to have everyone at work
take the Graham assessment, that's a good
idea as well. And you can use the same tools
that we talked about when we talked about the
four social styles so that when you know
everybody else's compulsion and
speak to that compulsion, it facilitates
communication just as when you know their
social style or their working style.
15:26
So now it's time to stop and take your
assessment.
15:29
So by now you should have taken your
assessment and found out what number you are.
15:33
And it probably, as you took the assessment,
gave you a good idea of the types of things
that go through other people's minds as
they're going through the day.
15:40
Because you might have seen some statements
and thought, no, that's not me.
15:44
I wonder which number that is.
15:45
So taking assessments, even when you simply
find out what your number or your letter or
your type is, it helps us understand other
types no matter what assessment it is,
because you start to see the thoughts that
go through other people's brain, wouldn't you
say? Speaking of the thoughts that go
through other people's brain, we
are all by nature thinking more passive
thoughts or more aggressive
thoughts on the communication continuum.
16:11
Let's say that over here is passive
communication.
16:14
Passive communication, to summarize, is
basically when you communicate in a way
where you are not even satisfying your own
needs, you're not speaking up for yourself
and getting your needs met.
16:25
That's passive.
16:26
Then we have aggressive communication.
16:28
And aggressive communication is
communication where the other people with
whom you communicate feel as though you are
stomping on their needs to satisfy your own
needs. So how, as professional
communicators, do we find that middle ground
between passive and aggressive
communication?
That middle ground that's called assertive
communication?
Well, first we have to know what it is.
16:52
Many people that come into a difficult
people seminar that come into a class
about difficult people or aggressive
behavior will tell me.
17:01
I don't know what it is about the people I
work with.
17:04
They think that I'm aggressive.
17:05
That's why I was sent here. But I'm not
aggressive.
17:07
I just tell it like it is.
17:08
I work with a bunch of babies.
17:09
That's the problem. And the problem that
many of us face is how can I
feel as though I'm getting my needs met?
We all have needs that's going through our
brain.
17:18
How can I get those needs met while not
being perceived as aggressive?
And especially women struggle with this
issue more than men.
17:26
Women tend to have different labels put on
them when they ask for what they want in a
professional manner. A woman can say the
same thing as a man, but a man and a woman
tend to get different labels.
17:37
How can you, as a woman or as a man or as a
professional, make sure that
if you are called to task, if someone calls
you on your behavior, how can you
be confident that you were engaging in
assertive behavior?
For example, if your boss calls you into the
office and says, hey, we need to talk about
what happened in the boardroom the other day
when you said this to this person.
18:00
When something like that comes up, when
you're called on your behavior, how can you
remain confident that you are communicating
in a professional, savvy manner?
First of all, know what assertive
communication is.
18:12
Assertive communication is communication
where you honor yourself and you honor
the other person at the same time.
18:18
And it's clear, direct, honest
communication.
18:22
That does not, however, mean that we say
what's in our brain.
18:25
You know, some people will say, I just tell
it like it is.
18:28
I have to speak my mind.
18:30
I need to speak my mind.
18:31
I need to tell you what I'm thinking.
18:32
Right. That's that's my obligation to
myself.
18:35
No. You know, many of us have taken the
filter that we should
have between our thoughts and our mouth, and
we set it aside for different situations that
suit us. However, if we do our cost benefit
analysis before we
speak, remember, a cost benefit analysis is
simply where you ask yourself,
what's the price I may have to pay for what
it is that I'm trying to
get? And what is it that I'm trying to get?
Is it worth it?
You know, many people do not do that cost
benefit analysis.
19:07
For example, people will come to me and
they'll ask Dan, can you tell me
how can I tell my wife that she talks too
much over dinner or
Dan, can you tell me how could I tell my
boss that he needs
to use a breath mint?
And frequently when people ask me, how do I
say this to that person
so that they're not offended?
But I tell them what I need to tell them.
19:32
Many times the answer is going to be, Don't
tell them that.
19:36
What's the benefit of telling somebody, for
example, that they need to take amend so you
have fresher air? What's the benefit of
telling your spouse something such as You
talk too much? Well, you might have more
silence over dinner.
19:47
What's the price you might pay?
You'd hurt them.
19:49
And when I ask myself during many
situations, okay, what do I
want here? What would the price be?
The price may be I would hurt your feelings
by saying that.
20:01
Is that worth it? Is it really ever worth
it?
I can choose, for example, to be kind, or I
can choose to be right.
20:07
I can choose to be kind, or I can choose to
be effective.
20:11
The choice is always going to be yours.
20:12
But make a choice.
20:14
Don't just react to situations first thing
into the brain, first thing out of the mouth.
20:17
And assertive communication is simply
honest, clear, direct communication that
honors the other person and honors yourself.
20:24
And the savvy communicator knows to do a cost
benefit analysis before delivering a
message where they question the message and
remember that any message you
send, you can send it in a kind manner.
20:37
And if you can't figure out how to send a
message in a kind manner and deliver it in a
way where the person with whom you're
communicating sees what the benefit is, then
don't deliver that message until you can do
just that.
20:50
And let's not forget about passive
aggressive communication.
20:53
People use the term a lot, but many people
aren't really clear as to what it is.
20:56
Passive aggressive communication is where
you are aggressive in your intention,
but you are passive in your delivery.
21:03
For example, I might put you on hold and
then go have a cup of coffee
so that you can remain on hold suffering.
21:10
But I'm not being upfront about making you
suffer.
21:14
I might be nice to your face and then go
slash your tires in the parking lot.
21:17
That's passive aggressive communication.
21:22
And now that we've discussed passive
aggressive, aggressive, assertive
communication and the nine different
compulsions, let's review what you've learned
in this lesson you learned about the
Enneagram social style system, the nine
different compulsions that drive human
behavior and how to recognize them, as well
as what your compulsion is.
21:38
And you learned what passive aggressive
communication is, what passive communication
is, and what aggressive communication is so
that you can avoid those
styles and instead be assertive.