00:01
In this lecture, you will learn more
advanced, assertive communication techniques
that you'd use when you want to be seen.
00:08
You want to be heard, but you have to walk
the line between assertive and aggressive
communication. So we're going to talk about
situations where you need to do things such
as disagree with somebody in public without
being seen as disagreeable.
00:22
Where you need to maintain the floor when
someone's trying to rob it from you
and when you need to be seen as a player in
your organization.
00:30
And that one is going to be incorporating
visual tactics as well.
00:36
First, let's start off with talking about
situations where somebody at
work, for example, might be trying to
aggressively steal the floor from
you. It could be in a personal situation as
well, but most of us know
what it's like to be at work.
00:53
And let's say that you have been given the
Florida meeting and you have to describe a
proposal that you have or talk about an
answer that you have for some problem that
you're facing at work.
01:02
And while you're presenting your idea, while
you're in the midst of your
presentation, someone tries to steal the
floor from you.
01:10
They interrupt you.
01:11
What do you do? We have to think quickly in
these situations.
01:15
What's the first thing that the average
communicator says when someone tries to
interrupt him or her?
Think fast. What do they say if you said I'm
sorry or
excuse me, you're absolutely right.
01:28
The average communicator, when someone tries
to interrupt him or her, the first words that
fly out of their mouth are words such as,
I'm sorry or excuse
me. Don't ever say that.
01:40
Make sure to put that on the top of your
danger phrase list.
01:43
If a situation that you frequently deal with
is you try to maintain the floor when
someone tries to aggressively take it from
you.
01:51
So what do we say?
How do we react or respond when someone
tries to take the floor from us?
If you notice, there is a very specific
pattern of behavior
that assertive communicators who are able to
maintain the floor when someone tries to
rob them of it, use those three parts you're
going to learn so that
if you need to use this tactic, you'll have
it ready.
02:18
And remember, this is a tactic that you want
to do your cost benefit analysis
before you use it.
02:24
For example, if my grandmother, as I was
talking about before, if
she wanted to rob the floor from me, if I
were talking during dinner and my grandmother
interrupted me, I'm going to let her do
that.
02:36
If my boss tries to interrupt me during a
meeting, I'm going to let her do that,
especially if they're the same person.
02:43
However, if you are in a situation, as we
discussed before, where the goal is
not to make the other person feel good, the
goal is to maintain the floor.
02:53
The way to do it most effectively is by
implementing these three
steps. Number one, we already talked about
eliminating the.
03:02
I'm sorry, I'm not finished yet.
03:03
Excuse me. Could you let me finish?
That's done. Number one is you want to make
wide eyes and
tilt your head forward.
03:11
So if you watch people again who are
effective at maintaining the floor, when
others try to rob it from them, you'll
notice that body language is key.
03:22
We are born with the ability to interpret
other people's body language and we are
born with the ability to send the correct
signals on a subconscious level,
meaning we're much more effective at sending
the right body language signals when we're
not aware of it. When when we are telling
the truth, we tend to do that.
03:41
When we are holding something back, we tend
to do that.
03:44
What are the body language signals that
people send when they're
telling somebody else, You're not taking the
floor for me, I'm going to fight for this
territory? What are the things that they do
with their body?
Again, I'd like you to think about dogs and
how they communicate with one another,
because the signals that dog send are very
similar to the signals that human beings
use. For example, when a dog is being
aggressive, when you're approaching or
encroaching in his or her territory, what do
they start to do?
They start to tilt their head forward and
they look straight at you in the eyes.
04:18
Right. That's step number one.
04:20
Want to make wide eyes and tilt your head
forward.
04:22
Step number two, you want to use a stop
gesture?
What's a stop gesture?
Think about, for example, a traffic officer.
04:31
What do they do when they need to tell a car
to stop?
That is the universal stop gesture.
04:37
Now, if you're like me and you watch these
judge shows on television, there's one judge
in particular, Judge Judy, if you watch her,
who's really good at maintaining the floor.
04:47
Nobody interrupts her twice.
04:48
And if you ever get a chance to watch Judge
Judy, you can watch her on YouTube.
04:52
You can watch her on Netflix, many different
channels.
04:55
When someone tries to interrupt her, she's
the most effective anti interrupter I have
ever seen. She's also the most aggressive
communicator I have ever seen.
05:03
So I'm not saying that I recommend
communicating like her, but
I'm going to take this from her when you try
to interrupt her.
05:11
Here's what she does. I'm speaking and she
gives you a karate chop.
05:15
Eyes wide, head nod, the whole shebang.
05:18
And she's the most effective anti
interrupter I've ever seen.
05:22
If you can take things from people who are
effective at what they do and implement
them in your style, you can get the same
results without necessarily being so
aggressive. And remember that the universal
stop gesture is
this. And remember that when you deliver a
message such as the anti
interrupter body language is much more
important than any words
that can come out of your mouth.
05:46
So in this instance, the body language that
we've been describing, eyes
wide, head nod, forward, stop gesture,
that's over half the message that we're
sending over half.
05:57
So it's important that we focus on those
things because that is going to have more of
an impact as to whether or not you're
successful than anything else.
06:05
And now that we've covered those two things,
head not eyes wide and a stop
gesture, you want to number three, use an
anti interrupter
statement. We've already discussed what not
to say.
06:18
There are only two options for what you can
say.
06:23
Option number one, I'm speaking or I'm
talking.
06:27
Option number two, I'm still speaking or I'm
still talking.
06:31
That's it. When you watch people who are
effective anti interrupters, here's what they
do. They're talking and talking and someone
tries to steal the floor.
06:40
And because they practiced it without
missing a beat, they will say, I'm speaking,
and then they'll keep speaking without
stopping.
06:45
And if the person tries to do it again,
they'll simply without stopping, without
missing a beat, they'll keep talking and
they'll say, I'm still speaking.
06:52
And then they'll keep speaking.
06:53
And what you'll notice is that person to
whom they're delivering the tactic will
do one of these.
07:00
Oh, geez. Okay.
07:01
And they will feel as if someone just slaps
them in the face with their communication
tactic. But what you'll notice is the people
who are watching, for example,
I'm not delivering an anti interrupter for
the interrupter, I'm dealing it
for the audience. For example, I want my
boss to see I want my coworkers to see.
07:20
I want the competition to see.
07:22
You can't just take the floor from me like
that.
07:24
I'm a more savvy communicator than that.
07:28
And when you can deliver a strategy such as
the Anti Interrupter, so that when someone
tries to interrupt you, I'm speaking and
then you keep speaking, watch, they will say,
Oh geez, how rude.
07:38
But your boss or the people you're trying to
impress will say.
07:42
Did you see that?
And they will notice that person is a
skilled, savvy communicator
and they will see it for what it is.
07:50
You're not the aggressive communicator in
these types of situations and the ones that
are coming up when you need to assert
yourself and maintain the floor, that's
assertive, not aggressive.
08:01
And remember to if you must keep going, if
there is for some reason, if
that person does not stop after the first
one or the second one,
use the broken record.
08:12
You simply keep saying with body language
tilted towards that person,
eyes wide, head forward, stop gesture.
08:19
You keep saying, I am speaking, I am still
speaking, I'm still speaking.
08:23
And that will maintain your position on the
floor.
08:27
And your position is a savvy, polished
communicator.
08:31
And now I'd like to talk about another
difficult communication situation where
people struggle finding that fine line
between aggressive and assertive
communication. You need to disagree with
somebody.
08:43
How can you do that?
If you need to really prove your point that
you are not on board?
You do not see this the same way that the
other person sees that.
08:52
How can you express your dissent without
being disagreeable and without
being seen as a complainer or negative?
Simple. We're going to discuss some simple
power phrases, danger phrases and tactics
to help you disagree without being
disagreeable.
09:09
So let's start with that simple phrase.
09:11
I disagree.
09:12
You might have learned to say things such
as, Well, I
respectfully disagree or let's just agree to
disagree.
09:22
Those are all fighting words.
09:24
And you know what I mean when you say when I
say fighting words, because if I were to say
to you, I respectfully disagree or let's
just agree to
disagree, what do you instinctively want to
do right now?
Fight with me, right?
That's because when you say the phrase I
disagree, or especially I
disagree with you, it's going to cause the
brain to release the chemical that it
releases during fight or flight.
09:49
It's going to make the person to whom you
say that want to either run real
fast or literally punch you.
09:56
So we don't want to use that phrase.
09:58
All that's going to get us is more trouble.
10:00
What if you heard people say those savvy
communicators that you know when they
want to express to somebody else, I disagree
with you and I want to go on record that I
disagree with you, but those who are able to
do it in a savvy, polished way, what do they
say? That's right.
10:16
They tend to say, I see it another way or I
see it
differently, or I simply have a different
perspective.
10:24
When you talk about not whether or not you
agree or disagree with somebody at
all, because that is always going to hook
them sometimes in a positive way, sometimes
in a negative way with you.
10:35
If instead, you simply talk about the way
you see it, that changes the entire
message. Watch.
10:41
For example, if I were to say to you, Yeah,
I get what you're saying, but I
disagree. Or if I were to say to you, I
understand, I
can appreciate why you would see it that
way.
10:53
I simply see it differently.
10:54
But this is interesting. Go ahead.
10:55
Tell me more. Totally different.
10:58
So if you change from talking about whether
or not you agree, meaning
whether or not I'm going to validate the
thoughts in your head, I'm going to validate
your brain and you instead talk about the
point of view you have.
11:09
The way you see it, you will get a totally
different reaction from the person with whom
you're communicating and along those same
lines.
11:17
Let's say that somebody asks you to justify
your opinion, or if you're in a situation
where somebody has a great idea and you want
to say, that's a good idea, or that's a
better idea than the one I heard a moment
ago.
11:29
How can you do that?
Tell somebody that maybe you have a better
idea.
11:33
You just heard a better idea without being
negative
about the first idea that someone talked
about.
11:40
Or if you're going to say to somebody, I
have a better idea than you.
11:43
How can you do that without creating that
hostile, toxic environment in the
brain, which is going to get you more
trouble than you want?
Simple instead of saying the word better at
work, for example,
I think that's a better idea.
11:58
Or I may have a better solution.
12:01
Or Hmm.
12:02
That's a much better route to take.
12:04
The word better shouldn't be used that often
at work.
12:07
Instead, say why you think something is
better.
12:11
Use catch phrases that they're using at work
if you can possibly do that instead of the
word better. For example, let's say that
your company is a very customer
focused company.
12:22
When you think that somebody has a better
idea or when you believe that you may have a
better solution to a problem, when you can
say instead of, I think I have a
better idea. You say something along the
lines of, I believe I may have a more
customer focused solution.
12:38
Totally different message, right?
Or if I were to say, Yeah, I like Marty's
idea better.
12:45
If instead you were to say, I believe that
Marty's idea is a more cost effective
one. Which person would you be more likely
to side with?
The person who says, I think that's a better
idea?
Or the person who says, I believe that's a
more customer focused solution.
13:00
The answer is clear.
13:01
It's the one who uses the right verbal
pattern.
13:05
And before we move along from the topic of
how to be seen as
assertive without crossing the line into
being seen as aggressive, I'd like to
talk about meeting strategies so that when
you are in public, at work, when
you're in a group of people, when you are at
a meeting, you can be seen as visible.
13:22
You can be seen as a player in your
organization without being labeled as
cocky. There are three things three tips
that I'm going to give
you so that you can maximize your time in
company meetings as time that will be
spent boosting your professional image.
13:40
Rule number one Choose your seat wisely.
13:43
The average person, when going into a
meeting, chooses a seat based on where they
would feel most comfortable.
13:49
Don't do that.
13:51
We want to choose the person that we want to
be most visible to and
then choose our seat based on where that
person sits.
13:59
For example, think about your boss or your
future
supervisor or somebody that you want to
recognize you.
14:08
You want to be seen by this person.
14:10
And not only do you want to be seen by them,
you want to be seen as a player who
contributes in your organization.
14:17
Let's say that they are seated at the head of
a table.
14:21
Where do you sit?
If you thought or said I would want to sit
to the right of that person,
you're correct. You may have noticed that
human beings
naturally line up to the right of the person
that is
above them in the chain of command, so to
speak.
14:40
For example, if you watch any talk show on
television, the conductor or
the person who is in charge of the show is
generally looking to the right
to speak to the person who is their invited
guest.
14:53
There's something about when you put a
leader on a stage, on a platform, at
a table, and you ask the people that they
lead to congregate
close to that leader.
15:05
If you ever do that, watch how you will
notice that people tend to congregate to the
right where if that leader looks up into the
right, that's where they are.
15:13
There's something instinctively wrong with
sitting to the left of somebody
who is your superior.
15:20
How many talk shows have you seen where the
talk show host is looking over
his or her left shoulder and speaking to the
guests?
It doesn't happen because there's something
that just seems odd about that.
15:31
And there's a reason why we call somebody
who is on our team our right hand
man or our right hand woman, because there's
something about being at the right
hand of your leader that seems natural.
15:44
And if you strategically sit so that when
the person who you want to be visible to
or want to be noticed by looks up into the
right.
15:52
If you sit right there as close to that spot
as you can possibly get, you will be seen
more often. If you sit more to the left, you
will be more
invisible to that person.
16:03
And remember, there may come a time in your
career development where somebody who is a
decision maker is going to be on the fence.
16:09
Should they give you the contract?
Should they give you the job?
The more visible you are to that person in a
positive way, the better the odds that you
will get that contract, that job, that
promotion.
16:20
The second thing that you want to do is once
you have chosen your spot wisely, bring your
meeting tools. Number one, you want to bring
a meeting's notebook, and that is a notebook
that has the word meetings clearly written
over the cover.
16:34
There's a couple of different reasons why we
would want that particular notebook.
16:37
Number one, because when you walk into the
meeting, you want to be holding the meetings
notebook so that everybody can see it, and
you're walking in looking prepared to do
business. Now that meetings notebook can
remain blank the whole time you work there,
as long as you send the message as you come
in to and leave from meetings that you
are there to do business.
16:55
And if you have notes to take or things from
the meeting, they all go into that meetings
notebook. Number two, you want to bring a
yellow legal pad
and you plunk that yellow legal pad down in
front of you on the table.
17:08
There's a reason why we want to do that.
17:10
And you might be saying, Well, I already
have a meetings notebook.
17:13
Why would I bring a yellow legal pad?
Well, you don't write in your yellow legal
pad.
17:17
That's just for looks.
17:19
The meetings notebook is what you would
write in.
17:21
That's where you'd keep things in.
17:22
But the yellow legal pad, when you put it in
front of you, what that does is it?
Goes Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep like a
beacon.
17:31
And it draws attention to you if you're
sitting behind it.
17:34
And remember, that memory is connected with
yellow.
17:38
Yellow improves our memory.
17:41
There's something about the color yellow
where you remember when people used to always
use highlighters that were yellow.
17:47
I mean, now we have pink highlighters.
17:49
We have orange highlighters.
17:50
We have blue highlighters.
17:51
When highlighters started, they were all
yellow.
17:54
When Post-it notes started all yellow.
17:57
When legal pads started to take notes that
you have to remember later on.
18:01
All yellow.
18:02
Why? Yellow is the color of memory.
18:05
It helps you remember things when those
things are in yellow, bathed in
yellow, connected with yellow.
18:13
Therefore, if you sit behind a yellow legal
pad, not only will you be seen, more
people will remember you at the meeting.
18:20
And number three, sounds simple, but you want
to bring a pen or pencil.
18:24
Number one, because you may use it and you
want to appear to be prepared like you're
there to do business. And number two,
because if you ever say during a meeting.
18:34
Oh. Do you have a pen? That one phrase just
lost you all credibility in front of anybody
who saw you say that.
18:40
With those three things, you're.
18:42
You have a good start.
18:44
However, what we're going to do now is talk
about how we transform those
objects into much more than a yellow legal
pad or a
meetings notebook.
18:56
When you plunk that yellow legal pad down on
the table in front of you, or when you place
that meeting's notebook on the table, what
does it just become?
It has become what we call a territorial
marker.
19:09
And when you take the time to set things
down around you where you are and
basically mark your territory, it sends a
message to everybody there, I'm
comfortable, I belong here.
19:20
And that's going to make them believe that
you belong there.
19:24
For example, think about at home.
19:26
When you come home, at the end of the day,
do you, like many of us do come home
and you take your things and you neatly
stack them underneath your chair.
19:34
You take your jacket and you place it
someplace where it isn't taking up space.
19:38
You hold your drink in your lap.
19:39
You neatly place things in front of you on a
table.
19:43
We don't do that. We come home and we kick
our shoes off.
19:46
We throw some things on the table.
19:48
We throw our jacket over the edge of the
chair.
19:50
That's in some ways what we should be doing
at meetings.
19:54
But you'll notice that many people come in
and they try not to take up too much space.
19:58
They place things around them so that they
don't intrude in the space of others that are
sitting around them.
20:04
Don't do that. Bring extra things with you
into meetings and place them in front of you
on the table. Move the chair back, make
yourself comfortable and you will send the
message just like the other players in this
organization.
20:16
I belong here and I'm going to behave as
though I belong here.
20:20
Then that will make other people think you
belong there and you will be seen as more of
a player in your organization.
20:27
So in this lecture you learn specific
strategies that are going to help you the
next time you need to be assertive without
being aggressive specific situations
such as when you need to maintain the floor
or disagree with somebody.
20:40
You also learn specific strategies that will
come into play when you need to do difficult
things such as disagree with somebody or
debate with them.
20:47
And finally, you learned specific strategies
that will help you visually project
the image of a player and someone who
contributes in your organization without
being seen as cocky.