00:01
In this lecture, you'll learn the principles
behind the tactics.
00:05
You'll start off learning where the power is
in any relationship and how you can direct
that power. How to recognize when you see a
pattern in your relationships, and then what
to do about it and how to identify what key
elements are really missing in your
relationships and what you can do about
that.
00:21
Let's start out talking about the power in
any relationship.
00:25
There are three principles that are really
behind all of the tactics in this
program. Principle number one, I am in
charge of every
relationship in my life.
00:36
I'd like you to repeat that after me.
00:38
You ready? I am in charge of every
relationship in my
life. Say that again.
00:46
I am in charge of every relationship in my
life.
00:49
One more time. I'm in charge of every
relationship in my life.
00:54
The reason we want to keep that principle in
mind is because frequently when I ask people
if they come in to a session or if they come
into a seminar, so what's the problem?
What brings you in here if it's a managing
difficult relationships type of seminar?
And most often people come in and they start
saying, Well, the reason I'm
here is because my boss XYZ or because my
spouse blah, blah, blah,
or because you know this customer, yadda,
yadda.
01:19
And now I got sent here and we basically
tend to blame the other people in our
relationship for the problems in our
relationship.
01:27
I'd like you right now to stop and think
about the most difficult relationship that
you have or some relationship challenge that
you're constantly facing, or maybe just a big
challenge that you're facing right now.
01:39
Stop and think about that and write down in
the materials that came with
this lecture or on a separate sheet of
paper, why the
problem exists.
01:50
Why are you having this challenge?
Because how would you finish that sentence?
Now, chances are if you're like most of us,
you wrote down something along the lines
of, well, I am having a problem with Mary
because she won't stop backstabbing me at
work or I'm having a problem with my spouse
because they just don't really treat me the
way they used to. But when we are honest
with ourselves, we can admit that the
truth of the matter is, if we have a problem
in a relationship, it's because
of us. Right?
What I'd like you to do now is take out the
same worksheet or look at the same piece of
paper where you wrote down because.
02:28
And then you wrote down the reason why you
believe you're having a problem in one of
your relationships.
02:33
And I'd like you to now write down the lead
in line or starter phrase.
02:37
We'll be using lots of those in these
lectures because I.
02:41
And then finish the sentence if you don't
already know what you're doing to contribute
to the problem in that relationship.
02:48
Think of something that maybe maybe you're
doing, for example, because I
haven't learned to communicate effectively
with this person yet, because I
haven't paid attention to where this
relationship is going.
03:01
And now we're at a crossroads because I what
if there is a contribution that
you may be making to the downfall of that
relationship?
What do you think it may be?
So jot that down now.
03:12
And when we do exercises such as the one you
just did, when you're having a challenge with
someone, a communication problem, maybe it's
just in one instance or maybe it's in the
entire relationship.
03:22
When you're trying to work through that and
you're thinking about the reasons the problem
may exist, if you can use more often the
lead in line
because I because I because I you know how
your thought patterns affect
your speech patterns, right?
When you think things they tend to fly out
your mouth if you think them all the time.
03:41
What sometimes we don't realize is how our
speech patterns affect our thought patterns.
03:46
And if we are thinking to ourselves, Oh, you
know, I'm struggling at my work
because my customers are this way and my
boss is this way and the economy is this
way. We tend to have that victim mentality,
and it does seem to be that
all of a sudden, the more we think it, the
more the universe conspires against us.
04:04
But if we can retrain our speech patterns and
our thought patterns to
always recognize this is about me, this
relationship is
my relationship, and I am in charge of every
relationship in my life.
04:17
Therefore, it can only be something that I'm
doing.
04:21
So this relationship is breaking down or my
I'm struggling in my job
or I'm struggling in this conversation
because I what and if we start to
use that verbal pattern more start our
sentences with because I it's empowering
because the only way we can empower
ourselves to fix situations in our lives
is when we first of all recognize we are the
cause of every
breakdown in every relationship in our life.
04:48
Having said that, when we need to talk to
others about what's bothering us
or when someone does something and we want
to bring it up right there, how can we
properly say that in a way that doesn't
disempower ourselves and lets the
other person know clearly and assertively
meaning?
I'm going to tell you upfront and honestly
what's bothering me?
How can we do that in a way that's effective
while not making it about someone
else? For example, let's say that you're at
home with your spouse or with a best friend,
and they do something that bothers you.
05:21
For example, they say that they are going to
take out the garbage and you watch the
garbage man as he or she drives past your
house and doesn't seem to stop, then you
realize, well, that's because the garbage
was never taken out.
05:32
You want to address that right there?
How do you do that without disempowering
yourself?
By saying something such as?
You know, you really make me mad when you
say you're going to do something and then you
don't. When we use the danger phrase that
makes me, you
make me, it makes me.
05:49
And we'll be talking more about keeping a
danger phrase list.
05:52
When you use phrases such as those, it makes
me.
05:55
That makes me, you make me.
05:56
I'm giving away the power right there.
05:58
I'm saying that is making me something.
06:00
You make me angry when the truth of the
matter is when we get angry because of a
difficult person or difficult behavior, what
they're doing, it's not about that behavior
or them. It's about us.
06:11
It's about things that it brings up in us
that makes us angry.
06:14
It has nothing to do with the other person.
06:17
How you communicate with me that is about
you, how I react to it, how I respond
to it, how I communicate back with you.
06:24
That is all about me.
06:26
Every word that I speak is simply a
testament to the person I believe.
06:30
I am nothing more.
06:31
So if I need to express myself in a way that
is not about you, because it's not about you,
it's about me. I can use the hamburger and
you can do its simple,
clear and effective.
06:42
Here's how it goes.
06:44
Repeat this after me.
06:45
When you. I feel because.
06:49
Do that again when you I feel because.
06:53
One more time when you.
06:54
I feel because.
06:57
When you can clearly express how you're
feeling when somebody does something
in, for example, a hamburger, verbal
pattern, people hear it, they
respond to it, it affects them.
07:10
When you instead use the wrong verbal
pattern, such as that makes me, it makes me.
07:15
The other person tends to speed up his or
her self-talk and start to argue with you,
at least internally.
07:22
Meaning if I were instead of to say
something such as.
07:26
You know, it makes me so mad when you say
you're going to do something like take out
the garbage and you don't saying that is
going to speed up the self-talk in the other
person. So they're going to start thinking
something along the lines of, What do you
mean, I make you mad? I don't make you mad,
you make yourself mad.
07:39
And they're going to start thinking things
that they would not think.
07:41
If I instead use a more effective verbal
pattern, such as when you
tell me you're going to do something like
take out the garbage and then you don't.
07:49
I feel frustrated because I love you and try
to do what I say I'm going to do for you.
07:54
When you say things like that, people will
look at you as if.
08:00
I'm so sorry. And then you'll think that's
what I was looking for.
08:03
This whole time I was looking to get through
to you the way I was feeling, but it just
wasn't getting through. We weren't
connecting.
08:11
And remember that when you don't connect
with somebody else, that is about you.
08:14
If you have a message that other people
don't seem to understand, it's not up to
other people to learn to understand our
message.
08:21
It's up to us to learn to get through to
other people.
08:24
And that's really what this entire course is
about.
08:27
We're going to be talking about different
ways to alter our speech patterns
so that we can more effectively communicate
and connect with other people.
08:35
But we have to remember, it is up to us to
navigate our
relationship. And you'll hear me sometimes
refer to our relationship
as if it's singular, and that's with a big
R, because really we're going to be talking
about how it's all the same relationship.
08:51
And when you have a relationship that seems
to be going off course or
a conversation that seems to be going off
course, many of us get stuck
verbally. We don't know what to say when we
want to say, Hey, I don't like
what's going on here in this conversation.
09:08
Some of us, when we're in a conversation that
gets difficult, we'll say, I just don't want
to talk about it anymore and we'll leave.
09:14
If we do that, if we cut off a conversation
or a relationship because it's bringing up
things in us that's frustrating us and we
get angry and cut it off.
09:23
What happens is it just pops up in another
relationship, right?
You can't do that.
09:27
You can't ditch a relationship, ditch a job,
ditch a person, ditch your situation
without having it come back again.
09:34
You have to work through it.
09:35
And if I need to work through a
conversation, work through a relationship,
you need to navigate those and you don't
know how to express yourself.
09:44
Just remember in the situation, navigational
phrases.
09:47
Navigational phrases.
09:49
For example, when you're in a car and the
car goes off the road, let's say that
you're teaching someone to drive.
09:56
You're in the passenger seat.
09:57
The car slides off the side of the road and
you think, Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, we didn't
get back on track.
10:02
What might you say to the other person?
You know, stop.
10:05
You need to change direction if you find
that you're lost, as we are in many
conversations or many relationships, what
would you say?
I think we may need to stop here and regain
our focus.
10:16
Maybe we need to back up.
10:17
We might need to change directions.
10:19
We seem to have taken an unfortunate turn,
and I believe we should stop here.
10:23
When you learn to speak as though you are
navigating a vessel like a car or a
ship, and recognize that's the same type of
verbiage that I
can use when I'm navigating a conversation
or a relationship.
10:36
What happens is, as you're saying, those
things, people recognize that as
language that savvy communicators tend to
use.
10:44
Therefore, they will pay attention to it.
10:45
And it paints a visual picture in the mind
of the person with whom you're
communicating. Therefore, it's more
effective because we are visual
communicators. In addition to that, remember
that when you
want to communicate with someone in an
effective way, that generally means
that you're going to be deliberate about
what side of the brain you're apologizing
to. And we talk more about this in upcoming
lectures.
11:11
But basically there's the left hand logical
side of the brain and there's the right
hand emotional side of the brain.
11:17
The left hand is where we keep facts and
figures.
11:21
We do math equations.
11:22
You keep language there.
11:23
Remember, l is for language left hand side
of the brain.
11:27
Then we have the right hand side of the
brain where we keep creative thoughts.
11:31
That's where we do our conceptual thinking,
emotional thinking.
11:35
And when you want to specifically speak to
the right hand side of the brain, because
maybe you want to touch somebody's vagus
nerve which runs from there to there, and
it's what we feel when we feel emotional.
11:45
Or you might want to get someone out of that
side and speak to the logical left hand side
of the brain, which draws them out of the
emotional side of the brain.
11:54
How do you know how to speak to which side
of the brain?
We have to know the difference between
emotional language and factual language.
12:01
When is it appropriate to speak emotional
language or factual language?
When you need to make that personal,
emotional connection?
Or what I would be calling the PEC, you need
to know how to do that, right?
For example, when you are being deliberate
in your communication and you know, all
right, this is an occasion where I should
speak to the right hand side of the brain or
the left hand side of the brain.
12:21
That's a huge step for most communicators.
12:23
But then we need to know how to do it right.
12:27
I'm going to be giving you several tips that
will help you deliberately speak to one side
of the brain or the other.
12:31
The first is the apology, because we
frequently have to apologize to
people. It's something that comes up in
business a lot and in our personal lives.
12:39
And look at the difference when you use
tactical language to apologize to
somebody. Most of us make the mistake of
saying when it's time to apologize,
something such as, I'm sorry.
12:52
That should be at the top of your danger
phrase list, because I'm sorry, is something
that we say when we aren't really sorry.
12:58
First of all, and when people hear us say
I'm sorry, people tend not to
really have a reaction to that.
13:05
I mean, now we have all of these machines
that you can hook up to a person's brain and
you can monitor involuntary bodily responses
such as brainwaves that respond to
language. Everything we say to somebody has
an involuntary bodily response attached to
it. When I use certain words, feel good.
13:21
Chemicals get released in your brain.
13:23
When I use other words, feel bad, chemicals
get released in your brain.
13:27
And if I am more deliberate in my
communication, for example, when I need to
deliver an apology, I can be more effective
at reaching the person the way
I'd like to reach them in on an emotional
level, because I'm aware what side of the
brain I'm speaking to and how to do that.
13:43
For example, with the apology, instead of
saying something such as I'm sorry, or even
worse, by the way, sorry about that, which
basically says to the
person, I'm not sorry, try this.
13:56
These three steps for apologizing are step
number one, use
the phrase, I apologize.
14:04
Sounds simple, but if you keep a danger
phrase in power phrase list, what you'll
notice is you'll stop those times when you
were about to say I'm sorry and
recognize so many occasions that it's
totally inappropriate and you won't say
anything at all. For example, if someone
bumps into you at the grocery store instead
of saying I'm sorry, as most women do,
you'll be more apt to stop and
say nothing, which is what we should be
doing and waiting for the other person to
apologize to us.
14:32
So saying the actual phrase I apologize at
the beginning of your apology sounds
simple. It's critical.
14:38
And it's step number one.
14:40
Step number two is that I what I mean by
that
is many people will say, hmm, I'm sorry if I
said something that offended
you or I'm sorry if you were inconvenienced.
14:53
And that is the opposite of an apology.
14:56
What that says to somebody is, Hmm, if you
were really inconvenienced,
I would apologize, but I'm not convinced
yet.
15:04
So instead, when we say I apologize that I,
for
example. That I kept you waiting, that I
said that in front
of our friends, that I turned that project
in late, that I didn't complete the goal that
we had agreed to.
15:19
That I didn't do what I said I was going to
do.
15:21
And then once you've done that, I apologize
that I then you want to give the
real reason why you did what you did.
15:29
And that starts with a because I statement.
15:32
We use a lot of different lead in lines in
here.
15:34
As you probably have noticed, we've used a
few already and lead in lines help you start
they help you get the message out at the
beginning so that then we can fill in the
blank at the end and it will be easier and
it will sound more effective.
15:46
It'll have more of an impact on the other
person.
15:48
For example, lead in lines like these three
lead in lines.
15:51
I apologize that I because I are going to
help you say the apology the
correct way instead of saying, for example,
I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt,
if we said instead or I'm sorry that I
didn't do what I told you I was
going to do, it's just because I was being
selfish and thinking about
me rather than us.
16:13
When we say things like that, people hear it
because we're picking the right verbal
patterns that activate the right part of the
brain.
16:20
But it's not natural for us to do that.
16:22
That's why we have to learn communication
skills.
16:24
If it was natural, they would call them
communication talents.
16:27
But you know, these issues we have to
address using things like lead in lines and
hamburgers, they tend to come up again and
again and again and again.
16:35
Right. Even if you think, for example, that
you quit a job
because of something that was going on there
and instead of working through the issue, you
quit the job or you were with somebody who
was bringing up something in you
and you terminated.
16:50
So you thought that relationship.
16:52
Ever notice how it comes up again in the
next person that you have a relationship with
unless you work through it?
Why does this keep happening?
Because we have patterns that we experience.
17:03
Each one of us has an individual unique
pattern that we see pop up again
and again and again and again in our
relationships, both personal and
professional. Why does this happen?
Let's talk about that.
17:17
Starting with principle number two.
17:19
There really is only one relationship.
17:22
And we want to keep this principle in mind
whenever we communicate,
because we tend to separate our
relationships.
17:30
We tend to say, for example, oh, my boss,
that's one relationship,
my spouse.
17:37
Oh, that's a totally different relationship,
my children.
17:40
That's totally different.
17:42
And the person at the grocery store.
17:43
Oh, that's that's a unique relationship.
17:46
And the truth of the matter is, while they
might be different forms of our
relationship, it's all connected.
17:53
Right? There is one common link in every
relationship we have.
17:57
Right. What's the common link, you or me?
And to be an effective communicator, we must
first realize there's only one
relationship here. There's one big
relationship.
18:08
There are different dimensions of it.
18:10
But if I am so arrogant as to separate
this person from that person and basically
say this relationship is more
important than that relationship, therefore
I'm going to give this important
relationship the better side of me that I'm
going to give that less important
relationship. If we do that, we're never
really going to be able to develop as quickly
as we could or reach our potential as if we
realized that there's only one relationship
going on here. And when we realize why
relationships break down, we
will be able to overcome the things that
come up in us when we recognize difficult
behavior, when we have a difficult
relationship.
18:49
Those things in us that difficult people or
challenging
relationships bring up, that has nothing to
do with the relationship or the people.
18:59
When we recognize those and we recognize
these things keep coming up because
I'm in one big relationship and it's about
me, the two big things we've discussed so
far. Now we can do something about it.
19:11
And here's the first thing I'd like you to
do.
19:13
Write down on the page that came with your
resources.
19:17
A relationship that you're struggling with
or a particular instance that you're
struggling with. A person, a conversation, a
situation.
19:26
What's something right now that you're
thinking about where you think, Oh, I can
think of a challenge, Mary She's the
challenge.
19:32
Or, Yeah, I can think of a big challenge,
this with my spouse
or this with my kids or this with my boss.
19:41
What's something big in a relationship or a
relationship you're struggling
with? Write it down and then write down the
reason why you think
you're struggling in that relationship.
19:53
Ready? Go.
19:56
Now I'd like you to think.
19:57
Really think.
19:58
What do you believe is missing that is
causing these
breakdowns or that is attracting these
difficult people?
What do you think is missing?
What's the key element?
For example, if you're struggling, dealing
with your spouse, maybe you
believe that the key element that's missing
there is love.
20:18
They just don't love you like they used to.
20:20
Maybe it's your boss and you think that the
key element, what's causing this
breakdown? Respect.
20:26
If they disrespected you a little bit more,
that would fix things.
20:30
Think about what the elements are that are
missing.
20:35
OK you've got them. Now let's move along to
principle number three.
20:40
And principle number three is and I'd like
you to repeat this after me.
20:45
The only thing that could possibly be
missing is what I'm not giving.
20:51
Repeat that. The only thing that could
possibly be missing is what I'm
not giving. When we recognize the
things that are missing.
21:02
So we think in our relationships, for
example, if you think in my personal
relationship, boy.
21:09
I believe that my spouse isn't loving
enough, isn't romantic enough.
21:14
I believe that my kids, they are not
respectful enough.
21:18
I believe that my friends, they're not
attentive enough.
21:21
I'd like you to think about your personal
relationships and some issues that you
struggle with and what you think those
things are that are causing the breakdowns.
21:29
Is it respect or trust or love or whatever?
Then in your professional relationship,
think about a few of those, the challenges
that you have. What elements do you think
are missing that if they were
there, would heal the rift, would make the
relationship better?
And think about, for example, the
relationship you have with yourself, because
there's really only three categories of
relationship.
21:52
It's the trinity of relationship, so to
speak.
21:54
You have a relationship with your maker or
the universe or
whatever you think is the source and makes
you up.
22:03
You have a relationship with yourself.
22:06
You're talking to yourself, and then you
have a relationship with everyone else on the
planet. We're basically always communicating
with and thinking about and talking
to ourselves, everybody else.
22:18
And then this invisible force in the room,
whatever you call it, those are the three
things. What do you believe is the missing
element that would heal the
relationship that you have with yourself?
I mean, when you talk to yourself, what do
you think could make you stronger, the
relationship that you have with yourself?
Is it that you're missing confidence?
Is it that you are missing maybe self love?
Or is it that you are not caring for
yourself, making time for yourself,
respecting yourself? What is it?
Then ask yourself, what am I hoping for?
If I actually could infuse my relationship
with this thing.
22:53
If I could infuse my relationship with my
spouse with more romance.
22:57
If I could infuse the relationship I have
with my boss with more respect.
23:01
If I could find the self esteem that
vanished five years ago and put it back into
my relationship that I have with myself,
what would I get out of that?
So ask yourself, really, what are these key
elements that are missing?
Then once you have done that, you might be
thinking to yourself, Well,
that's really the thing is they should be
more respectful.
23:22
My boss should respect me more.
23:25
My spouse should be more romantic with me.
23:28
My children should respect me more.
23:31
My friends should be more loyal and stop
talking about me.
23:35
We tend to once we have determined what's
missing in our relationships, we tend to
assign other people the task of infusing our
relationships with that missing thing.
23:45
But we're not going to do that because we're
going to be effective instead of
thinking or saying things like, they should
be more romantic.
23:54
They should really show me more respect.
23:56
Replace that with a lead in line.
23:59
I will be more romantic with them.
24:01
I will be more respectful with them.
24:04
I will do whatever it is that's missing.
24:06
Because when you do that, when you do what
we have just talked about now, the three
principals, when you keep them in mind and
you recognize, all right, I'm going to
stop those ineffective, useless, verbal and
thought patterns that say
things like, this is your fault.
24:23
You should do this if you would just do that
and I'm going to replace them with.
24:28
I recognize I am in charge of this
relationship.
24:32
There really is only one relationship here.
24:35
And whatever I think is missing.
24:37
Not only am I the only one who can infuse my
relationship with the missing element.
24:43
I'm the only one who will and I can.
24:45
Therefore, it is up to me to heal these
relationships, steer these conversations,
and get what I want based on what I do.
24:53
When you realize those things, those three
principles, this is me, it's all the same and
I'm in charge. That is what being a
principal centered communicator is really all
about. In this lecture, you learned how to
establish power, who has it in any
relationship, and how to direct that power
using things like navigational phrases.
25:11
You learn how to recognize patterns in
relationship, what they really mean.
25:16
And once you can do about it, once you've
recognized the patterns and you've identified
what key elements may be missing in some of
your relationships, and who the only person
is who can infuse your relationships with
that missing element.