00:01
In this lecture, we're going to focus on
three things.
00:04
Number one, who you are during difficult
communication situations and
more specifically, tools that help you
remember who you are when you're
communicating in difficult situations that
normally distract you from the truth of who
you are. Number two, we're going to talk
about how to stay focused on why you're
really here and what you really want during
those situations.
00:26
And then number three, how to choose the
right words that reflect the
substance of who you are and the right words
are going to be the form of your
message. Let's start off talking about how
do we remember who we really
are during these difficult communication
situations?
Because you know what I mean?
When we find ourselves in an emotional or
emotionally charged
situation, when somebody comes at us from a
place of emotion, it stimulates
the right hand side of the brain of our
brain.
00:56
No matter how good you are at dealing with
difficult people or how used to
difficult situations you are, you can't help
it when somebody comes at you from an
emotional place.
01:07
But react to that in the brain.
01:09
So how do we fight against our natural
reaction to become emotional
when other people are emotional with us?
The tool that I'd like you to start using is
called a personal compass.
01:22
Maybe you have written or heard about a
personal mission statement in the past,
but the challenge that I have found with
mission statements are that
A nobody writes them, and B, when they do,
nobody
uses them. I mean, let me ask you, have you
written a personal compass?
Chances are if you're watching this video,
you have gone through some executive
training. And part of that executive
training has to do with creating and using a
personal mission statement.
01:51
But most people don't do it.
01:54
You're going to be using a personal compass
in situations where emotions are running
high. They could be your emotions or they
could be someone else's emotions.
02:01
But what tends to happen is because other
people's emotions are running high,
that affects our brain chemistry, whether we
like it or not.
02:09
So how do we remember who we are, why we're
here, what we really want when people
around us are doing crazy things and saying
crazy things because remember,
the truth of the matter is scientifically
out of control.
02:21
Emotions make smart people stupid and out of
control.
02:25
Emotions make sane people crazy.
02:28
Why does that happen?
Because we have the two sides to the brain,
which we'll be discussing.
02:32
The left hand side and the right hand side
generally don't work together in
harmony. What happens is one side gets
stimulated and the other side dies down.
02:42
So if the right hand emotional side of your
brain gets stimulated, the left hand
logical side, the activity tends to
diminish.
02:49
You forget things, you forget who you are,
just as if the left hand logical side of the
brain is stimulated and you're doing math
equations, for example, the right hand
emotional side that tends to die down.
03:01
So it's almost impossible for us to use both
sides at the same time.
03:05
Which is why out of control emotions make
smart people stupid.
03:09
Out of control, emotions make sane people
crazy.
03:12
How do we fight against our natural tendency
to become
emotional and crazy and stupid when emotions
are running high in others?
Step one You want to decide right now who
you are.
03:27
There are only three steps to writing a
personal compass.
03:31
A personal compass is a tool that you can
use to remember who you are, why you're
here, and what you want when under normal
circumstances, you'd forget all of those
things. So the first step is to write down
who you are.
03:45
Let's talk about that.
03:47
You want to take out your worksheet or jot
down on a piece of paper?
And normally I tell you that you can either
think about it or write it down.
03:54
This is something you want to write down,
and there's a reason you want to write it
down. It used to be that when people would
write things down on paper
and those things would then magically come
to pass more often than those who did not
write things down on paper.
04:07
They would call those people witches or
wizards because what they were writing down,
these spells were magically coming to pass.
04:15
And yes, this is one of the few things that
is critical to write down, because a
personal compass is going to come into play
and help you decide who you are.
04:25
In this sliver in time, this little tiny
moment in time
between what's going on and how you respond
to it.
04:32
And in that sliver in time, our brain works
very, very quickly to determine all sorts of
things. The three most important things that
it's working to determine as who you are,
why you're there, and what you want.
04:45
Whether we realize it or not.
04:46
In this sliver in time, we're deciding, who
am I?
Why am I here? What do I want?
And the words that come out of our mouth in
an emotionally charged situation are
simply reflecting who we believe we are.
04:58
Remember, we talked about that.
05:00
So it is not at that moment that we want to
decide who we are,
right to decide who we are when we are in an
emotionally charged state, to
decide why we're here, to decide what I
want.
05:13
That's crazy, because our brain is
imbalanced at that moment.
05:17
So I'd like you right now to decide who you
are.
05:21
And I'd like you to do this.
05:23
So now I'd like you to take out your
worksheet if you haven't done so already, or
a piece of paper and write down three I Am
statements.
05:32
And what I mean by that is what are three
things that you are?
Three adjectives.
05:37
So if you're using the worksheet, you can
fill in the I am starter phrases.
05:40
Or if you're doing it all on your own, write
down three phrases I am,
and then fill in that blank.
05:46
But here's the real catch.
05:48
I want you to be conscious of these three IM
phrases.
05:53
What I'd like you to do is think about the
most important relationships in your life.
05:57
For example, are you a spouse or are you a
sibling?
Are you a worker?
What are three things?
The three, let's say most important, hats
that you wear throughout the day.
06:08
What are you I mean, I am a brother.
06:11
I am an uncle, I am a teacher.
06:13
Those are three things that I am.
06:14
When you determine what the three things are
that you are, I'd like you to think of
what adjectives that you'd like to use to
describe yourself in those roles when you're
at your best. For example, I am a patient
son.
06:28
I am a compassionate teacher.
06:31
I am a loving brother.
06:34
And when you can think of three adjectives
like that, for example, I am for you,
maybe it would be. I am determined, I am
loving.
06:43
Think of three adjectives to go along with
the three most important roles that you play
throughout the day. All right.
06:49
So I'll give you a minute to do that.
06:54
Okay. So you should have now three I am
statements.
06:58
For example, mine are I am the first three
that I wrote down.
07:02
This will grow as as you continue your
communication development journey.
07:05
But the first three that I wrote down are I
am compassionate, I am patient, and
I am kind because I wanted to be more of
those things.
07:14
And in the sliver in time between event and
response, if you have the
tools that you can use to remind yourself,
Hey.
07:24
Remember when you were sane and sober, you
wrote down that you were these three things.
07:29
Just to remind you, if you can do that.
07:33
You might have the opportunity to be those
things.
07:36
You know, you might have the opportunity to
be kind or to be patient
or to be polished or professional or
dedicated, whatever those words are.
07:45
You might have the opportunity 100 times in
a day.
07:48
Like I have the opportunity maybe 100 times
in one day to be kind and
patient, and I might only get it right and
be those things once.
07:57
But tomorrow, if I took the time to write
down an
IM statement as part of my personal compass,
I might get it right.
08:06
I might hit my target twice.
08:08
So I'm still only doing it twice out of 100.
08:10
That's twice as much as I got done
yesterday.
08:12
That's twice as much.
08:13
And you will notice that it's worth it.
08:16
And we'll talk about those situations that
you'll notice at the most.
08:19
Once we're all done, because we're moving on
to step number two.
08:23
Why are you here?
That's a big question that we want to think
about when we are in a
difficult communication situation, dealing
with a difficult person in that sliver in
time. Because remember, our subconscious
mind works so much more quickly than the
conscious mind. And whether we realize it or
not, during those moments in time
between event and response, we are deciding
who we are and why we're here.
08:48
But that's not when you want to decide it.
08:50
You want to decide it now.
08:52
So I'd like you to think of and write down,
if you can, three reasons why you're
here. For example, when you get up in the
morning, what's your job title?
Is that let's say you're an accountant or
let's say you're a lawyer or I'm a teacher.
09:06
I can guarantee you that I do not wake up in
the morning thinking, What am I
going to teach today? Oh, I'm here to teach
sixth grade whoopee.
09:14
Never. Nobody does that.
09:16
And you don't wake up thinking I'm here to
be an accountant today
or I'm here to be a graphic designer.
09:23
That does not get you up and motivated and
does not help you work through difficult
situations. What helps you work through
difficult situations?
What helps you get up in the morning and go
into work when you don't want to are going to
be the reasons why you're really here, not
at your job or watching this video,
but on the planet. Why are you here?
Think of three things that you would write
down.
09:46
For example, when I did my first one, I
wrote down, I'm here to learn.
09:51
I'm here to number one thing that I wrote
down before anything else, I'm here to enjoy
myself. And number three, I'm here to teach.
09:58
And so I have to remember during the sliver
in time, you know, let's say that you're at
work and you're walking down the hallway and
a sniper comes out.
10:07
We're going to talk about the different
difficult people at work in later lessons.
10:11
But let's say that you're walking down the
hallway and a sniper snipes you.
10:15
A sniper is somebody who throws out insults
at you in a public
forum. And those insults are masked in
humor, the jokes at your expense.
10:24
And so if a sniper snipes you in front of
your coworkers and let's say
that the sniper sounds something like, Hey,
Charlie, that was a great presentation today.
10:34
You looked super prepared.
10:35
And you know that that's not really what
they were saying.
10:38
You know what I mean? They're insulting you
masked in humor.
10:42
If you're like me or if you're like many of
us watching this, what happens is you start
to think, Oh, yeah, and you start to think
of really unenlightened, nasty things that
you can say back to them and snipe them
back.
10:52
But if instead of doing that, we are the ones
who stop and
think, Wait a minute, who am I?
I, I'm kind and compassionate and caring.
11:02
Why am I here?
We do not write down insane and sober
moments like this.
11:07
We do not write down, Oh, I'm here to win
the blue ribbon for the ugliest communicator
in the whole office.
11:12
But we act like that sometimes, right?
You know, sometimes when I'm not thinking, I
will appear to be trying
to win the prize for the worst communicator
in my life.
11:23
But if I can instead stop and think, Wait a
minute, what you just said is all about you,
how I respond back to you, that is simply a
reflection of who I am and why I'm here.
11:33
And I'm here to enjoy myself.
11:35
I'm here to teach.
11:36
I'm here to learn.
11:37
I'm here to do many things.
11:39
But engage in that type of behavior is not
something I'm going to write down on a
personal compass. So if you write down now
what you're here to do in the
in the world, on the planet, you know, it's
amazing the things that people will show me,
that they write down things about how I'm
here to shine light in the darkness.
11:55
I am here to bring my people up with me as I
rise up, I'm here.
12:00
There's so many important things that we're
here to do.
12:02
No matter what your job title is, you can be
doing that all the
time, and that's something that you'll start
to remember more and more if you're at the
airport and you're standing in line waiting
for a plane and you're starting to feel
terrible, as I have done, you know, really
frustrated and angry and aggravated.
12:19
Then I'll remember, wait a minute.
12:22
I wrote down that I'm here to enjoy myself,
and that pertains to every situation
your brain starts to make those new
connections we talked about, and you'll start
to think, Hmm, I'm here to enjoy myself,
huh?
How am I supposed to enjoy myself?
Waiting in line at the airport for 2 hours.
12:37
Once you recognize in that moment in time
and remember, really?
Oh, that's what I'm here to do.
12:42
Your brain starts to literally form new
connections and watch how you will
all of a sudden discover ways to not only be
the person that you want
to be, but to do what you want to do.
12:56
But it all starts out with writing three.
12:58
I'm here two statements.
13:00
So if you haven't taken the time to do that
yet, make sure to write them down, because
we're about to move on to step number three.
13:07
And now it's time for the best step of all.
13:09
Step number three, decide what you want.
13:12
So I'd like you to just imagine.
13:14
Don't write anything down yet, but I'd like
you to think.
13:16
How would you finish the sentence?
I want what?
Now? I'm not talking about at work.
13:21
I'm not talking about. I want a Diet Coke
right now.
13:23
What do you want out of life?
What are you working towards?
What do you want?
How would you finish that sentence?
So if you're like most people I know,
chances are you stopped right now and you
went. Hmm.
13:40
I don't know. And it shows when you watch
most people
react to other people in difficult
communication situations.
13:48
Most people who, let's say, are sniped at
work, most people who are dealing with a
passive aggressive communicator at work, a
stranger on the street that mistreats them,
or or somehow verbally, emotionally,
physically assaults them.
14:01
You watch most people react to them.
14:03
And what they're demonstrating is, I have no
idea what I want because I'm letting you
decide it for me. If we don't decide what we
want, someone else will decide that for
us. If we don't decide why we're really
here, someone else will decide that for us.
14:17
And if we don't decide who we are, we let
other people decide that for us.
14:20
So it might take you a while to finish your
three.
14:24
What? I want statements.
14:26
I mean, it takes a lot of people a long time
to figure out what are three things that I
really want, but that's okay.
14:33
Take as much time as you need to do that
because we cannot move on to the following
lessons until you have decided who you are,
why you're here, and
what you want. Because here's what will
happen.
14:45
You may want to ask me a question, or you
might be asking a question to yourself, or
you might be asking a question to a
colleague or someone else who's developing
his or her communication skills.
14:55
And you might say, Tell me I'm dealing with
this customer or I'm
dealing with my boss or I'm dealing with
this coworker.
15:01
Here's the situation.
15:03
What should I do?
And the first thing that you should always
ask yourself when you're deciding what to
do, or the first thing you want to ask
someone else, if they say, Hey, what do you
suggest I do? Or, you know, you're the savvy
communicator taking this communication
course. How should I handle this situation?
Before you decide how to handle the
situation, you should always 100% of the time
ask someone or ask yourself, Well, it
depends.
15:29
Who are you? What do you want?
Why are you here? Because that's going to
determine the form of your message, the
words. First, you have to start with the
substance.
15:39
And although what we just talked about those
three things, it might seem like a lot to go
through during the sliver in time.
15:45
What you want to do is make it automatic,
automatic, automatic.
15:49
So in the following chapters, we're going to
be discussing how to make
something like reviewing my personal
compass, who I am, what I want, why I'm here,
how to make that automatic so that during
the sliver in time when somebody comes
at you or in other words, assaults you
verbally, emotionally, physically, how
can you more likely stop and recall the
three things in your personal compass
and then respond accordingly?
We're going to talk about the tools that
help you do that, because, remember, you
don't want to react to situations reacting
as first thing to the brain, first thing out
of the mouth. And most of us, myself
included, most of the time, are reacting to
situations. And that's a good thing, because
if we had to stop and think all the time
about how to respond to people into
situations, it would be
overwhelmingly exhausting.
16:38
We couldn't do that. Our brain needs to go
on autopilot to help us function in the
world. But in those critical moments, you
know, the moments I'm talking about
generally we recognize them in retrospect
and think, Oh, how could I have done that or
said that? And the ones that are coming up,
if you develop and
use your personal compass, you will be much,
much more likely.
17:01
Remember, I'm all about the odds.
17:02
The odds are you'll be much more likely to
hit your communication target and
be the person that you want to be during
those situations than the words.
17:12
That's the easy part, but we have to finish
our personal compass to get the right words.
17:16
So take a moment. If you haven't yet to
finish those three parts.
17:20
Write down three phrases who you are.
17:23
Write down three phrases why you're here and
write down three phrases what you
want. Then we'll move along to step number
two.
17:32
So you should have finished your personal
compass by now.
17:35
Remember, if you haven't, now's the time to
stop and finish your personal compass,
because we're going to talk for a couple of
minutes about what to do with it.
17:42
Remember that human beings are visual
communicators.
17:46
We like to see things. We learn by seeing.
17:48
We learn how to communicate by seeing.
17:49
And in fact, you probably use Pinterest or
if you don't use Pinterest, you know somebody
who does. It's the fastest growing social
media out there right now, and it consists
of almost exclusively pictures.
18:01
People like to see things, right?
People like to see things rather than read
things rather than hear things.
18:06
And the reason is because instinctively
we're visual communicators.
18:10
So to have the edge over other communicators
who aren't already
using visual cues as part of their personal
or professional communication development
strategy, I would like you to do just that.
18:22
Use visual cues when it comes to changing the
words that you use.
18:27
Use visual cues.
18:28
Remember that human beings don't learn how
to communicate by listening,
by reading.
18:34
They learn it by observing.
18:36
And we're constantly looking around, looking
out there for cues to tell us what to
do. For example, when you go through an
airport or if you went through a factory or
if you went through a big building where you
could get hurt, you could get
lost, you could be confused.
18:51
A hospital, for example.
18:53
What do you see all around visual cues?
Because visual cues help people stay on
track and not get hurt when they
otherwise would might get lost or or might
say or do something that would damage
them. Let's take that strategy that you'll
see countless
businesses use effectively, and let's use
that to develop
personally or professionally.
19:17
And I'd like you to take your personal
compass and put it, let's say, in front of
you on your desk. What I've done with mine
is I printed it out on a piece of paper
with four squares.
19:27
You'll have this in your resource packet so
you can use the pre-printed
blank personal compass that came in your
resources and you can just fill in the blanks
with your words for your I am and why you're
here and what you want statements or you can
print it off by yourself.
19:42
But if you print it off and put it in front
of you on your desk, maybe it's the small cue
card such as the one in your materials.
19:49
Or maybe you print it off in a big poster
size and you put it on the back of a door so
that before you go out and greet people
either at home or at work, you remind
yourself That's who I am.
19:58
Or maybe you put it on the wall so that when
you're on the telephone at work, if you have
a difficult customer, you look up.
20:04
And while you're talking to a customer, you
might be thinking about some things you'd
like to say to that customer if they're
getting out of control.
20:10
But that personal compass reminds you, Hey,
hey, hey.
20:13
Remember when you were saying in sober, this
is the person you thought you were?
And the reason I say sane and sober is
because you probably know people, if you
haven't done it yourself, that appear to
lose their minds when they are
drugged. And when we are in a difficult
communication situation,
we are literally drugged.
20:33
Our brain starts to secrete a lot of
different chemicals.
20:36
Some of them feel good, some of them feel
bad.
20:38
But we start to go crazy.
20:40
We start to become so drugged that we
literally hallucinate sometimes
during emotionally charged situations, good
or bad, for example.
20:48
Sometimes when you're so angry, you might
see red.
20:52
People actually see things that aren't there
when they're so angry because they
hallucinate. Just like when you first fall
in love, you see things that are not there.
20:58
What happens is the brain starts to release,
for example, phenylalanine, and you literally
hallucinate for about 2 to 3 years.
21:05
Then the brain stops releasing it and then
we're left to our own during love
relationships. But whatever the relationship
is, when it becomes emotional, good or bad,
our brain starts to drug us.
21:15
And you want to.
21:16
Not during those moments, but during a sane
and sober moment.
21:19
Like, now remind yourself who you are and
stick it on the wall.
21:23
Stick it someplace where you'd see it.
21:25
Some people put it, for example, on their
name badge.
21:27
Some people put it on a business card, but
you want to have it accessible so that while
these moments start presenting themselves to
us, you have in advance
reminded yourself who you want to be.
21:40
Because what happens is, speaking of the
universe conspiring and magical
things happening after you write something
down, if you write down I am patient,
you will have many master teachers that will
pop up seemingly out of nowhere to say, Oh,
your patient, huh? Try being patient with me
and they will test your patients.
21:58
Or for example, if you wrote down, I am
professional, you will have the most
unprofessional people pop up and test your
level of professionalism because
that's just how it works and we want that.
22:10
But these little tests that come up, you want
to pass them, so don't try to do it on your
own. Have cheat sheets around, put them in
front of you, put them where you will see
them all the time.
22:19
And then you'll notice.
22:20
Hmm, all of these opportunities that keep
popping up.
22:24
Yesterday, I just got one.
22:25
Today I got two.
22:27
And why will you be more likely to get that
second one?
Because you had a visual cue.
22:32
So there you have it.
22:34
Now, you have not just the theory about
writing a personal mission statement, but you
have the tools. You have a personal compass
that you can refer to to remind yourself who
you are when emotions run high and people
generally get distracted by other people's
behavior. Also, you will be able to remember
why you are here in these difficult
communication situations and remain focused
on the task.
22:55
And once you put out your visual cues, you
will then more easily find the
right words to help you hit your target and
be the person that you
wanted to be. Do the things that you want to
do and get the things that you want to get
because you had your personal compass and
you used it visually.
23:11
So now we're all ready to move on to our
verbal tactics.