00:01
In this lecture, you'll learn how to avoid
making the three most common mistakes that we
make when dealing with difficult people, as
well as how to avoid engaging with
different, difficult people by using
something called goat hiding.
00:14
And finally, we'll talk about different ways
that we can speak to the right hand side of
the brain when dealing with an emotionally
charged person so that we can get through to
the left hand side of the brain.
00:25
Let's start out talking about the three most
common mistakes that we make when dealing
with emotionally charged or difficult
people.
00:34
Number one, we tend to take the bait or
engage,
meaning when we are difficult.
00:42
We all have an expectation.
00:44
We expect other people, when we engage in
difficult behavior ourselves, to react to
us a certain way. Right.
00:51
For example, you know, when you are really
difficult, you kind of know how people will
react to that. When it comes to dealing with
difficult people.
01:00
We are all, in a sense, walking ATM
machines, walking cash
machines. What happens is the difficult
person will come up to us and push our
buttons and then stand back and wait for a
reaction.
01:13
And we tend to give it to them over and over
and over and over.
01:17
And they keep coming back.
01:19
However, have you ever been to an ATM
machine, a cash machine
where you put your card in and it did not
give you money?
If you have, chances are you never returned
to that machine because we do
not keep going back to places that don't
reward us for going there.
01:38
So step number one, don't take the bait.
01:41
Recognize when people are casting the bait
in your direction and hoping that you'll take
it and engage with them so that you will
validate their feelings.
01:50
Number two, we reward the behavior.
01:54
Remember that when you deal with a exclusive
event,
somebody one time crossed your path, acted
in an irrational
fashion, and then left.
02:04
And you never saw them or that behavior
again.
02:07
That can be about them, but that tends not
to be what people struggle with.
02:11
People struggle with.
02:13
Dan, my boss is always doing X, Y, Z, or Dan
every
time I come home.
02:19
Here's what happens when I talk to my
spouse.
02:22
When we are frustrated with difficult
behavior from other people.
02:27
It tends to be behavior that we're seeing
over and over and over and over and over
again. And not just in one person, but in
several people.
02:34
I have to recognize that it is I who rewards
the difficult
behavior in my life.
02:40
Therefore, it causes it to keep coming back
again and again and again.
02:44
So I'd like you to start recognizing when
you have patterns of difficult behavior in
your life, what is it that you're doing to
reward it, to keep that difficult
behavior in many different forms and people
coming back again and again and again.
02:58
For example, if you think to yourself, who
am I dealing with the time
sucker? And let's say that you have a time,
sucker.
03:05
The time sucker is the person who comes down
the hallway and you start to cringe thinking,
Oh, no, oh, no. And then they come into your
office half an hour later, you don't know
what happened to the morning.
03:14
If you deal with a time sucker every day,
ask yourself, why are they coming to me every
day? What am I giving them?
Maybe you're simply giving them your time.
03:23
Maybe you're giving them someone to validate
the way they feel.
03:27
But when you stop giving people the rewards,
they stop coming around.
03:32
For example, people will ask me a lot, what
do I do at work?
You know, my my friend that I work with is
always gossiping and backstabbing.
03:40
Stop rewarding it.
03:41
Generally, when there's a pattern in your
life, it is not about the other people.
03:46
It is about you. Once we recognize that,
that it's about us, it is always about me,
then I have control over it.
03:52
So it's a good thing to say it is my fault.
03:54
I am the cause of this recurring pattern of
behavior because then I am the solution as
well. And engaging with difficult people,
taking the
bait, rewarding the behavior, and somehow
engaging.
04:07
For example, let's say that I am in a
meeting and the person sitting next to
me makes a passive aggressive joke and then
laughs and I turn
to the person. And many of us will do this
instead of saying something that I feel
like, Please don't disrupt the meeting or
instead of ignoring it.
04:26
Many of us do things like and we will somehow
go
along with them, validate them, pay
attention to them, and give them attention
that encourages the behavior to continue.
04:39
So remember, if you find yourself engaging
with difficult people in any way,
maybe you're taking the bait and reacting to
them in an angry way.
04:47
Maybe you are engaging with them by
validating them, giving them time, giving
them rewards. If you stop doing that and
recognize, hmm,
maybe I could simply respond to them, which
would create
a goat hiding situation, or which could
actually prevent the situation from happening
in the future. Because I could be assertive
with my communication.
05:09
That is something that is most likely
different for you.
05:12
And remember, when you communicate
differently from how you communicated in the
past, you will have a different experience
from how you experienced in the past.
05:21
So if you are frustrated with something that
keeps happening, communicate differently.
05:26
It's difficult.
05:27
It can sometimes be uncomfortable, just like
when we dance new dance steps.
05:30
But you will see a change in the results
that you get.
05:34
You will see a change in the experience you
have.
05:37
And remember that goat hiding is simply when
you respond to somebody
in a way that's cool, calm and collected,
that doesn't engage, that doesn't validate,
that doesn't take the bait, but does respond
at the same time
taking away the reward that the person was
expecting.
05:54
For example, let's say that somebody gossips
with you.
05:57
We have two choices.
05:58
We can do a cost benefit analysis.
06:01
I can either somehow engage and reward and
validate, or
I could address the behavior which is
different from confronting.
06:09
Remember, confront is a danger phrase.
06:12
Address is a power phrase.
06:14
I could address the behavior by saying
something such as the ICR.
06:18
The ICR is a tactic which sounds like this.
06:22
John you just introduced Mark into this
conversation and you criticized him
personally. You also revealed something
sensitive about him to me.
06:29
Was that your intent?
And when you say something like that, that
is not fun for the other person.
06:35
It feels bad.
06:36
It is not the reaction they were expecting.
06:38
It is not the pattern that they're used to.
06:40
And while it's not punishing them, it's not
giving them rewards.
06:44
And they will think to themselves.
06:47
That was not fun like it normally is.
06:48
And they'll go find someone else to gossip
with.
06:51
Because I do recognize I cannot change you,
but I can train you how to
treat me. I can train you that you don't
find the rewards that you're looking for.
06:59
When you come to me, we've all probably had
the situation where you're looking for some
type of validation.
07:05
For example, let's say you're having a
terrible day and so you are complaining about
things and you go to somebody who, when you
complain to them, doesn't respond
and kind of ignores the complaints and gives
you the look where they're like, I'm not
responding to that.
07:18
And you think ugh and you go find someone
else who will validate the way you
feel, right? We all do that when you're that
person who does not give people what they're
looking for. They'll go find someone else
who will.
07:31
For example, sometimes people are simply
dealing with personal tragedy, but whether
they're angry or they're sad or they're
whatever they are, if they are
emotional, we've already talked about how we
need to address that emotion before we get to
the logic. Let's talk about a few phrases
that help us do that, especially
if you are a left brained communicator,
meaning you're very logical, you're very
factual, you tend to tilt your head forward,
but never to the side.
07:58
If that's you, it's going to be difficult
for you to naturally off the cuff empathize
with people. But we don't want to react.
08:05
We want to respond to emotionally charged
people.
08:08
And before we get into anything else, step
number one, when responding
to emotionally charged people is always
going to be empathy.
08:17
You always want to use empathy phrases.
08:19
But remember the danger phrase.
08:21
I know exactly how you feel.
08:22
We tend to say that mistakenly trying to
connect, but if you use these three
phrases when you are empathizing with
others, these lead in lines help
you empathize the right way.
08:34
You ready? Repeat these after me.
08:36
I understand.
08:38
I can see.
08:40
I realize one more time.
08:43
I understand.
08:45
I can see.
08:46
I realize.
08:48
One more time. And they're yours.
08:49
I understand.
08:51
I can see.
08:52
I realize.
08:54
Sounds simple.
08:55
But remember, when it comes time for you to
need those words.
08:59
That's the time when your brain is
deactivated on the side where that
information lives. So to say to somebody, I
understand how upset you are.
09:07
I realize how frustrating this must be.
09:09
I can see this is very difficult for you
when you use phrases like that right
there. That's enough for most people because
you are speaking directly to the right hand
side of the brain. It activates the right
hand side of the brain.
09:20
People feel that type of empathy, language
and empathy phrases as
opposed to if we're not thinking, we could
very well use a danger phrase that
sabotages our success, such as, Oh, I know
just how you feel.
09:34
Or even worse.
09:36
You shouldn't feel that way.
09:38
Remember that when we use the wrong words,
even with the right intention, can ruin the
entire message. And we have to start again
and again and again until we recognize that
what we need to do is, number one, recognize
the rewards that we're giving people
and stop giving them.
09:54
When we see patterns of difficult behavior
in our life.
09:57
And remember that when you combine our
directed or right brain language
with l directed or left brained language,
when you combine the two
of those speak to both sides, you can get
people to calm down
much more quickly than the average
communicator who does not understand even the
difference between the left and the right
hand side of the brain.
10:19
The average communicator starts out trying to
calm people down by saying Calm down
and what's the worst thing we could say to
somebody when we want them to calm down?
Calm down, because no one has ever in the
history of the world heard the phrase calm
down and said, oh, my gosh, thank you.
10:36
Why didn't I think of that? Oh, my gosh, I
feel so tranquil, right?
No one's ever done that. So instead, if you
combine right directed language such
as this must be really frustrating for you
and then couple it with
can you please tell me exactly what
happened?
And I'm matching their level of emotion with
a different emotion.
10:54
Remember we talked about that one.
10:56
When you can do that, people will be
stunned.
10:59
Wait a minute, this person actually cares
about me.
11:01
Okay, now I'm unstuck there, but you're
asking them to think logically.
11:05
Tell me exactly what happened.
11:06
What time did this happen?
Not things such as?
Do you remember who you spoke to?
Because we all know how aggravating that is.
11:13
If someone's coming to us and they're angry
about a situation and you're there to solve
it, and instead we ask people things that
are aggravating, such as, do you know he
spoke with who told you that?
So instead, oh my gosh, this must be so
frustrating.
11:27
Can you tell me exactly what time this
happened?
And if you can then add a benefit statement
so that I can get to the bottom of this for
you so that I can help you.
11:35
There is no stopping you in terms of the
progress that you can make and the heights
that you will achieve in your communication.
11:42
Now let's finish up talking about a bonus
tactic.
11:46
I mentioned it earlier in this presentation
and you will find it very useful at work and
at home. The ICR.
11:53
Many of us unfortunately struggle with
gossip.
11:55
And if you struggle with gossip or
backstabbing, it's difficult to
stop it because first of all, most of us
recognize if I stop the
gossip around me, I'm setting myself up to
be the person who is now being
gossiped about.
12:11
But, you know, I have to do my cost benefit
analysis, right?
If I stop the gossip around me, the price I
pay is well.
12:20
Number one, I won't hear the gossip.
12:21
And 80% of it tends to be true.
12:23
I won't be in the know and I might be the
person that's now being discussed
when I'm not looking.
12:29
Is it worth it? What price am I paying under
normal circumstances for
me? I would rather much rather be the person
that may be gossiped about because I'm
no longer in the loop.
12:40
I'm out of it now because I don't get
anything from the gossip.
12:44
And generally the people who gossip with me
gossip about me
anyway. And there's really no payoff or
benefit in any of the circumstances.
12:52
They're not contributors to my personal,
professional or spiritual development.
12:57
Therefore, if I want to stop the gossip,
it's difficult because generally we don't
know what to say. Use an ICR introduced,
criticised and revealed.
13:07
Say this after me introduced, criticised and
revealed one more
time introduced, criticised and revealed.
13:15
It's difficult for us to find the right
words in these situations, which is why we
want to have a free style script ready,
introduced, criticised and revealed.
13:23
If I practice this in advance along with the
closing line, when you're dealing
with gossip, backstabbing, closing lines can
be more important than the opening
lines. And I love this closing line.
13:36
You'll love it too, if you start using it.
13:38
Was that your intent?
So say that. Was that your intent did it
again?
Was that your intent one more time?
Was that your intent?
By the way, remember, watch how the message
changes.
13:52
Was that your intent or was that your
intent?
Totally different messages, right?
So the head tilt changes the message from a
passive one to an assertive one.
14:03
Now, to put it all together, the average
person, when they start engaging in
communication that you don't want to reward
or engage in or ignore, you want to respond
to it. Try something like Mary.
14:13
Mary, you just introduced Margaret into the
conversation and you criticized her
personally along with revealing sensitive
information about her to me.
14:20
Was that your intent?
And at that point, 99% of communicators will
say, oh, oh,
no, no, that's right.
14:28
No, no, never. I would never do that.
14:30
And then you can give them the 3/2 look.
14:34
And they will be so uncomfortable with that
conversation because you were direct, clear,
honest, upfront and assertive as well as you
called them on their behavior and didn't let
them out of it, but gave them an opportunity
to get themselves off the hook by asking
them, was that your intent?
And I need people to say that to me.
14:52
I'm sure you have had people say that to
you.
14:55
Was that your intent? Is that what you meant
to do?
And it is giving somebody a little gift.
14:59
We are reminding them, I think you might be
going down the wrong path.
15:03
So I'm going to give you a little gift,
reminding you, showing you, hey, I'm going
to illuminate the way. I don't think you
want to go down there.
15:11
Right. And people will be more likely to
say, no, thank you very much and
stop. But remember, too, when you're dealing
with gossip and backstabbing, you might want
to set it up by having a little talk with
your coworkers using the
AEIOU script.
15:26
You know, something simple like, Hey, guys,
I need your help.
15:28
I think I engage in gossip too much and it
takes away from my professional development
in the future. If you see me gossiping,
could you help me and pointed out to me so
that I don't talk about my friends and I can
get more work done?
Can I count on you all for that?
Once you've done that, then you've set the
stage where what I really meant is I'm going
to start calling everybody else.
15:46
And that's all right, because now you're
clear, upfront and direct.
15:50
And remember that while the goal of dealing
with difficult behavior
tactics is to get the emotions to calm down,
it's to get to the left hand side
of the brain. Right brain language is
required to get there,
especially if you want to get there any time
soon.
16:06
So if you are someone whose job is to
frequently deal with difficult people who are
emotionally charged, but you need to get
them to think logically.
16:15
I think of computer helpdesk people a lot
when I think of this one.
16:18
What if your job is technical, but the
people who come to you are always emotional,
they're upset, learn how to use right brain
directed or are directed
tactics that address the emotion and then
quickly get to the logic
such as the preemptive strike and danger
phrases specifically for
left brainers who are dealing with right
brained, emotionally charged people,
for example.
16:44
I understand and I apologize.
16:46
Say that out loud. I understand and I
apologize.
16:50
Now, say this. You're right.
16:53
You're right.
16:54
When we are emotionally out of control,
simply hearing the phrase you're right
can trigger someone's right brain to get
unstuck with that one little
phrase. And we don't need to go into detail.
17:05
I'm not saying, oh, you're right, we're
liable.
17:07
You're wrong, we're right. We made a mistake
simply saying to somebody, You're right,
someone needs to fix this immediately.
17:13
You're right. This can be really
frustrating.
17:16
That's all they need to hear use the phrase
out loud with me.
17:19
Unbelievable. Say that.
17:21
Unbelievable. One more time.
17:23
Unbelievable. Say it again.
17:26
Unbelievable. People can describe things to
you or ask you
questions or say things that you may not
have a response to, but you can
tell they're upset.
17:37
You know, this happened to me and I'm really
upset.
17:39
How do we respond sometimes while being
honest, while not wasting a bunch of time,
while sounding empathetic?
A simple, unbelievable can cover so many
different situations.
17:49
It can even cover those situations where
when you come into work, people who really
don't care ask you things like, Hey, how was
your weekend?
And we're supposed to be honest and we're
supposed to be positive and we're supposed to
not waste time.
18:00
It's amazing how many times you can say to
people, Unbelievable, goodbye.
18:04
And you have covered all of the different
theories.
18:06
Remember the phrase, You're in luck.
18:09
Say that out loud. You're in luck when you
tell somebody
you're in luck.
18:15
It releases positive chemicals in their
brain that makes them feel good.
18:18
So I can say to the average person, what
happened to you?
That is horrible.
18:23
But you know what? You're in luck.
18:24
My name is Dan, and I know I can help you
with this if you can give me a chance.
18:28
Simple. Or you can use phrases such as you
found the right person.
18:33
When you tell somebody you found the right
person.
18:35
That many times is all they need to hear
because we all know what it's
like. You can look forever and you will
never find the right person who will help
you. Simply saying to somebody, What
happened to you?
That is horrible. And you know what?
You're in luck. My name is Dan, and you
found the right person I know I can help you
with. This does not mean I'm going to solve
your problem personally.
18:56
It means I'm not going to abandon you.
18:58
I'm going to usher you to where you need to
go.
19:01
And no matter what your position is in any
company, you can always be the right person.
19:05
People can always be in luck to find you.
19:07
So I can use many of these phrases that can
activate the right hand side of the brain and
make people feel as if.
19:13
I found the right person.
19:15
And you know what we're doing?
Remember, we talked about ping activating
the vagus nerve.
19:20
The vagus nerve is that nerve that goes from
there to there using phrases such as, if you
can just give me a chance.
19:26
Does that when you say to the average upset
person who you want to just
stop? If you say so and so I can see how
upset you are and I can
understand why. And you are in luck.
19:38
My name is Dan and if you can just give me a
chance, I know that I can solve this problem
for you. What more could you possibly say?
Most people, even when they're acting
unreasonably, are reasonable.
19:49
And those types of phrases that we just used
trigger things in most people that
make them stop and think.
19:57
All right. I'm going to give this person a
chance.
19:59
And you can be that person if you have the
right words.
20:03
The last phrase I'd like to give you before
we move along from this subject is the
preemptive strike.
20:09
You will find this really useful if you're
in a position where you're constantly
delivering messages that you know the people
to whom you're delivering these messages
do not want to hear.
20:19
For example, if you frequently in your job
have to say things such as, oh, I need you to
call a different number, or, Oh, you need to
come back tomorrow, or Oh, whatever it
is. We all know what the messages are that
our customers or co-workers don't want to
hear from us. But we keep saying them.
20:36
You know, let's say that we need to tell an
employee that, no, they can not have the time
off that they requested.
20:41
And we know that's not what they want to
hear.
20:44
How can you soften the blow so that you have
less of a negative impact
on the other person?
Simple use the preemptive strike.
20:52
Use a phrase such as I realize or I
understand, and then describe the emotion
that you believe they're about to have based
on the message you're about to deliver.
21:01
And it lets the person know you're a real
person
and you see me.
21:07
And that sometimes all it takes to get
people unstuck.
21:11
For example.
21:13
You want to take this Friday off?
I realize this is not the answer you're
looking for, but unfortunately, I have to
tell you no. Oh, Mrs.
21:21
Jones, you've been on hold for half an hour.
21:24
Well, I understand this is probably going to
be very aggravating for you to hear,
but unfortunately, I'm going to have to ask
you to call so-and-so who's the right person
for this. Whatever the message that you have
to deliver is, if you know that the person
doesn't want to hear it say that.
21:39
Many of us try to avoid saying that because
we think maybe if I just pretend it'll go
away, things go away when we address them.
21:48
In this lecture, you learned how to avoid
making the three most common mistakes that
professional communicators generally make
when dealing with difficult people, as well
as how to practice goat hiding or basically
not engaging with
different, difficult people.
22:03
And finally, you learned how to combine left
brained as well as right brain language
to accomplish your communication goal
quickly and easily when someone is
emotionally charged.