00:01
Welcome to difficult people
and how to work with them.
00:06
I've said before
that people are not the problem
problems are the problem.
00:11
Nevertheless quite often,
we encounter people
who are not interested in
an interest-based negotiations
and are not interested in having a calm
orderly specially designed process.
00:24
They're agitated or angry and you
don't know how to deal with them.
00:28
In this lecture,
you will learn to identify
first of all a conflict spiral.
00:34
Second of all you'll be
able to develop strategies
to get out of the
conflict spiral.
00:40
And thirdly you'll be able to shift
from confrontational negotiations
to cooperative
negotiating scenarios.
00:48
Now, you might be
wondering at this point.
00:50
What is a conflict spiral?
Well, actually it's
feeling that you're kind of going
like this and every single time.
01:00
You meet this person you exactly
at the same place you started.
01:05
It's actually a cycle of
actions and reactions.
01:09
It's like almost like
playing ping-pong,
each reaction though is
a little more in test
and the swing is
a little harder.
01:16
Each retaliation is a new reason
why we are in the conflict.
01:22
Each side starts to have
a longer list of problems
they want to solve.
01:28
There is a feeling
of a growing crisis.
01:31
Now while this is called
the conflict spiral,
it's going up in terms of let's
say escalation and aggression,
but it's also going down in
terms of friendship and trust.
01:45
Let's have a look a little bit
at the conflict spiral in detail.
01:50
Usually what happens is two
people are talking to each other
and a disagreement shows up.
01:57
They have a few
words, they disagree,
each goes their own way,
and every time they meet the
disagreement gets a little stronger
until one day.
02:09
One side decides to take the
matter into their own hands
and solve the problem
by using force.
02:16
I will make them see my point.
02:20
The reaction is swift
make no doubt about it
shock, denial, outrage.
02:26
It goes something like this,
huh?
What just happened?
No.
02:35
He didn't just do that.
02:37
How dare he I'm going
to get him back.
02:41
At this point the
parties disengage,
they don't want to talk
to each other anymore.
02:46
They actually go
like little children
and find friends that are stronger
to try to force the other side.
02:54
It's the disengagement phase,
and the support building phase.
02:59
This becomes a cycle
of action and reaction
until both sides reach
what we call the
hurting stalemate.
03:08
Neither side can move
in any direction of force
the other side at all.
03:15
And this could look a
little bit like a plateau,
nothing is moving.
03:20
Or it can feel a little bit like
a series of crisis and actions
that are small
but are never significant enough
to make a substantial
difference.
03:34
Now the question is,
how do we get out of that?
I'm going to ask
you to do one thing
if you seen the other lectures,
you will know that I have
mentioned the negotiation triangle.
03:45
If this is your first lecture,
I'm going to ask you to think in
terms of three sides to think about.
03:51
Let's have a closer at the
people problem process.
03:55
People is the negotiation
climate escalating
because there's a problem
in the relationship.
04:03
For example,
two people meet for negotiation.
04:06
They have different
levels of authority.
04:08
They have a history
of negotiations.
04:12
These are people
conflicts, human conflicts,
based on perceptions and assumptions
about the human experience.
04:21
Second you have actual
conflict spirals over problems
are people frustrated
at the limited
availability of options.
04:31
Two people meet
and the offers made
are clearly one-sided
and maybe even the overall value
of the offer being made
is less than what
has been discussed
in person the previous round.
04:46
Or from the process perspective,
is the process of actually
creating more conflict.
04:52
Two people meet and there are
too many people in the room
with no purpose.
04:58
What we want to do is
to go from escalation
to smart agreements.
05:05
This is about providing
quality of relationships
the way to deescalate a conflict
is by first of all acknowledging
that you're in the
conflict spiral.
05:16
First up say that,
hey, wait a minute.
05:17
I see we've been here before.
05:20
I think we need to
do something about it
that is stage 2
taking responsibility
for yourself
to get out of the
conflict spiral.
05:32
Once you've understood
that only you can get yourself
out of the conflict spiral
then you need to find a way
to invite the other side.
05:40
To come together
and figure out why you're
in a conflict spiral
that's easier said than done.
05:48
Most people don't want
to come to the table.
05:51
So you might make a
gesture a symbolic gesture
which has low value
or low cost to you
but high value to
the other side.
06:02
Once you've come together you've
entered into the sharing stage.
06:07
What happened?
How did I feel everything
single time we met?
And the conflict
spiral escalated.
06:15
Once you've done some sharing
you want to focus on
building some trust
to be able to re-engage
in a negotiation.
06:24
After you've
started to re-engage
and you've built what we
call transactional trust.
06:30
That means that
you've met a few times
and you can start to understand
that it's not going to hurt the
relationship or the negotiation
you can re-engage
in the substance
in through problem solving.
06:43
The ultimate goal
of a negotiation
is problem solving.
06:49
You want to reach
smart agreements.
06:51
Imagine that you have a conflict
between a diversity manager
in your company and
maybe the department head
who does not want to integrate
diversity management policies
because it might
impact their budget.
07:06
Smart agreements are:
Specific, Measurable,
Achievable, Relevant and Timely
you cannot just say,
we agree, the department will support
diversity management policies.
07:21
This will bring you right
back to the conflict spiral.
07:25
What you might want to do
is to sit down and negotiate
a smart statement that says,
the department will dedicate 10%
not 20, not 30,
not 40 of its budget,
to inclusion and diversity
management projects.
07:42
Limited in scope,
but measurable.
07:45
An action plan will be submitted
at the next board meeting
by the newly-appointed
diversity manager.
07:54
When you can see
from this statement
is that it's very specific
who is doing what,
how much it can be measured.
08:03
It is achievable.
08:05
It is relevant to
the organization
and it's very timely with
the next board meeting.
08:13
Now I know what you're thinking,
you thinking,
you have tried that
before and it didn't work.
08:20
What if they don't want to play
the game of problem solving
we've all been there and
we've all been frustrated.
08:27
We have all tried to implement
integrative or interest-based
negotiation strategies
and it didn't work
and we don't know
what to do about it.
08:37
Well, I would like to give you
a sequential
step-by-step approach
that will help you to deal
with difficult people.
08:46
The first thing you want to
do is step out of the way.
08:49
You want to put
yourself in their shoes.
08:51
Then you want to change the game
and you want to help them to
see the benefits of cooperation
and you want to help them
assess the consequences
of non agreement.
09:01
And finally you want to find
support for the process.
09:06
Let me remind you.
09:07
This is a sequential
step-by-step approach.
09:11
Let's have a look at it.
09:13
Number 1, step out of their way.
09:16
You don't want to be
in front of a person
who's yelling at you.
09:21
Why?
It's going to make you
want to strike back.
09:25
It's going to make
you want to give in
or you're just
going to walk away.
09:31
The guy says I'll get you back
and is negotiating partner
says, you know what?
I don't need this.
09:39
I'm leaving.
09:41
What good does that do to you?
At the end,
when you go back to your office,
your boss will say,
by the way you need to go back
and you need to find a solution.
09:51
Striking back, giving
in, or breaking off
are never your response
of first choice.
10:00
Number two, you want to put
yourself in their shoes.
10:04
Have you ever heard
of that expression?
It's about walking the talk,
understanding what other
people are going through.
10:11
It doesn't mean you
have to agree with them,
but people want to be heard
they want to be understood even
when they have to
make big confessions.
10:21
Deep listening and understanding
what help you in this situation.
10:25
You don't want to try to argue or
reason with unreceptive people.
10:30
What you want to do
is to find commonality
in the challenges
that you both face.
10:37
Number 3, you want to do
what we call change the game
from ME and YOU to WE.
10:45
Focus on interest not positions,
who cares if they
made high demands,
things that you
will never accept,
focus on why they
want these things.
10:55
Talk about
some guidelines some
rules in the negotiation
that will prevent us from
making inflammatory statements
identify clear process
goals and procedures
and reframe everything
from my problem
and your problem to our problem.
11:14
Resist the temptation to
engage in positional warfare.
11:19
Sometimes you're going to
have to do a couple of things
like exposing tricks,
but don't forget
to do it gently,
and you can do that by
engaging as I said before
in deep listening.
11:33
Number four, help them to see
the benefits of cooperation.
11:37
How can we meet
unfulfilled interest?
How can we cooperate
and generate support?
What ideas can be built on?
What intangible issues
need to be addressed.
11:51
Imagine two CEOs meet
one company is buying the other,
we don't want the one
who's being bought out
to feel like a loser
in the negotiation
even if their company
is being bought out.
12:05
We want to find face-saving ways
for people to end
the negotiation.
12:11
And how do you do that?
By finding out what is low cost
and high benefit to the other side
and what can be done to ensure
ratification of the agreement
from the supporters.
12:23
Number five, identify jointly
consequences that might happen
if you don't negotiate.
12:31
Now let me remind you,
this is the power to educate
not destroy the other side.
12:37
A joint assessment of
the cost and the benefits
will help everyone
understand what is at stake.
12:44
Ask what will happen,
if agreement is not reach.
12:47
You can even raise the question
of the best alternative
to a negotiated agreement
for all sides.
12:55
Sometimes helping people
to understand consequences
mean that you need to prepare
for the negotiations ending.
13:03
That is not a threat.
13:04
That is just making sure
you're taking care of yourself.
13:08
Finally, you want to find
support for the process
what I mean by support
is external support.
13:14
Bring an expert's other
interested stakeholders.
13:18
Look at your network and see
who in your network
might be willing to help
find a comprehensive agreement.
13:25
Reach out to legitimate
supporters on the other side.
13:29
Involve higher levels if they
are multiple supervisory levels
and think about involving
a third party facilitator
if and when it's needed.
13:38
In the end,
you might also discuss
other third-party
formats such as mediation
or arbitration.
13:46
In conclusion,
I hope you now are able to
identify a conflict spiral
you are able to
develop strategies
to get out of the comfort spiral
and thirdly you're able to shift
in a situation of confrontation
to a situation of
cooperative negotiations.
14:04
Finally, I'd like to say
that it's important to
remember that people
are not the
problems, issues are.
14:12
Everyone wants to be successful.
14:15
Everyone wants to achieve
the maximum results
for their side.
14:20
Often, we are clouded by are
misperceptions and assumptions
about why things happen
in a negotiation.
14:28
If we focus on
joint collaboration
where possible and
professional strategies
in distributive negotiations
you will be able to see
how to deal with difficult
people by stepping to their side
changing the game,
engaging an interest-based negotiations,
and creatively finding
support for the negotiations.
14:49
I wish you success
in dealing with the next time
you meet a difficult person.
14:54
Thank you.