00:01
Hi and welcome to
the art of listening.
00:03
In this lecture,
we're going to focus
on one of the most central
aspects of negotiation.
00:09
Let's be clear
without communication,
there is no negotiation.
00:14
And in order to communicate
effectively we have to listen,
but we know that
people do not listen.
00:21
They're so busy worried about
what they're going to say
to the other side.
00:25
What are my arguments?
I don't want to forget them,
if I listen too much.
00:31
I actually they
might change my mind,
I need to stay focused.
00:36
We know when people are
not really listening,
information is left out
when they pass it on
or when they go
back to their office
and they did not
listen carefully,
they might actually change
inadvertently the information.
00:54
Most importantly they
might forget something.
00:58
In this lecture,
you will learn the
importance of listening.
01:01
You will gain listening skills
and you will make yourself
better understood.
01:07
You will be able to deal
with different emotions
that come up in a negotiation.
01:13
Now, what are some of the
benefits of listening?
As I've mentioned before
it is to improve the
effectiveness of communication.
01:21
Why?
Because it improves
your understanding.
01:24
It lets us think
about what Information
are between the words that
the other side cannot say
it helps us to understand
when a person is
repeating themselves,
What information is changing?
And more importantly it
helps us to do two things.
01:42
Number one,
identify where are possible
areas of joint collaboration
and number two,
where are some pitfalls where
people might actually be in danger
of hurting the relationship.
01:57
Now imagine your boss walks
into the room and says,
"hey in the meeting
room right now."
Now,
what do you do in that moment?
Well, if we want to be
very good listeners,
we think about
what we call the four
sides of the message
or in some cases,
we say we have to
listen with four ears.
02:21
Why?
Because in every single
message we receive or we send
there are four different aspects
that need to be considered.
02:31
Number one,
What does that say
about the person?
It seems this person
might be a little agitated
in a hurry, excited,
we don't know
because the sentence
was very short.
02:46
So we're gonna have to
listen carefully when we
arrive in the meeting room
to figure out what is the
situation for this person.
02:56
In addition to that
we have the second ear
which has factual information.
03:01
Actually.
We do have a meeting room.
03:03
It would be a little
funny if somebody said,
in the meeting room right now,
and there was actually
no meeting room.
03:09
Therefore there are always
some facts in every
single message.
03:16
Number three,
It tells us a little bit
about the relationship.
03:21
The facts are that
this is the supervisor
but it also says a little
bit about the relationship
between the boss
and the employee.
03:29
Obviously, it's interdependent.
03:31
It's positive, It's important
becausethe person is saying,
'I need you right now'.
03:38
And lastly with the
fourth and final ear
were looking at what
we call the appeal.
03:44
This person is saying,
hey, I need you.
03:48
Please help me
and do it quickly.
03:52
Now, you might be thinking,
I didn't hear that
in the message.
03:55
I heard something
completely different.
03:57
Exactly!
This is why you should
be listening carefully
and not rear your head and say,
oh, he's always so
excited or angry.
04:07
Don't make any assumptions about
what this person actually said.
04:12
Get up, go to the meeting room,
and open yourself up to listening.
04:18
How do we improve
our listening skills?
Well, first of all,
we want to recognize the other side
by asking clarifying questions.
04:27
We want to move away
from having arguments
to having dialogue.
04:32
We want to refrain from
criticizing or using cliches
that are only going to get
us into a conflict spiral
and distort the messaging.
04:42
We want to resist the urge
to put thing down
the other side.
04:47
We want to make sure
that we acknowledge
the situation exactly how it is.
04:53
So here are a few
tips that you can do.
04:56
Number one,
don't interrupt the person,
let them come to a complete end.
05:02
Give them some visual cues
that you are understanding them
or you're not understanding them
be aware that your facial
expressions, your body language,
actually conveys messages.
05:14
I'd like to say right
here and right now,
there are a lot of studies
about saying open yourself up
or don't stand like this.
05:21
You know what I have learned
in my years of experience
that that doesn't
really help us.
05:27
What is important is
for you to be aware
of the signals you're sending
and how they're arriving
at the other side.
05:34
Make sure not to
change the subject
in the middle of a conversation
because that might irritate the other
side, ask them first.
05:43
I know it's very difficult.
05:45
But number four, try to resist
rehearsing your next argument.
05:51
I have learned in my experience
that people actually
will remember things
when they are necessary.
05:59
Avoid trying to teach or
lecture the other side.
06:03
And finally number six,
don't give advice to people
without them asking for it.
06:10
Focus on your own interest
and your own communication.
06:15
I'd like to now turn to
four different techniques
which have been tried and tested
throughout the last few years
and best practices say
these will help us improve
our listening skills.
06:28
Number one,
we have what's called
active listening.
06:33
Active listening is simple
old-fashioned listening
being attentive, not judgmental,
and not interrupting.
06:42
But at the same time summarizing
what we Heard to make sure
that we understood
what was being said.
06:50
Asking clarifying questions
the what, tell me a little
bit more about what you mean.
06:56
I'd like to understand you.
06:58
How did you arrive
at that situation.
07:02
Help the person move from
'I cannot give it to you to'
saying something like it's
difficult to part with
because I've been
with it for 20 years.
07:12
By all asking open questions, you arrive
at a bigger and more deeper meaning
of the understandings
behind the communication.
07:22
The next technique
is called empathy.
07:25
This is a form of
active listening
at a deeper level.
07:30
It involves trying to understand
what the person cannot say.
07:35
They cannot bring
themselves to saying it.
07:39
They can just say you will
not get away with that
or they will say something like,
You will not take
this away from me.
07:48
You will not survive
without my successful
contribution in this project.
07:55
What the person is trying to say
in these different formats is
I want to be part
of that project.
08:02
I can be useful.
08:04
I can serve a
positive contribution.
08:08
Deep listening requires us
to actually put our perceptions
and assumptions aside
and look into the emotional
understanding of the person
and help them to recognize what
they're unable to verbalize.
08:24
A third technique we
have is called looping.
08:28
That's right, Looping.
08:31
We listen to what the
person said to us.
08:34
Once it arrives at us.
08:36
We process it in our brain
and we Loop it back to them
to make sure that
we understood them.
08:44
You must ask the other side,
let me see if I
understood you correctly.
08:50
What is important
to you our ABC.
08:53
Can you do it shorter?
You summarize what was said
it maybe one or two sentences.
08:59
And then you ask them
did I understand you,
and they will say yes or no,
if they say no,
that means you are
not actively listening
and you need to go deeper
into the conversation.
09:12
If they say yes,
they've given you the mandate
to respond effectively.
09:18
The fourth mechanism or
technique that we have
is called reframing.
09:23
Somebody will say to you,
I will not work
without a contract.
09:26
I hate working mornings.
09:28
You're shutting me out.
09:30
I will never give it to you.
09:33
Well, these are very confrontational
very aggressive statements.
09:37
We can choose
to respond by raising walls
and shutting ourselves out
or we can change the conceptual
and emotional understanding
by reframing these sentences
into a much more
positive experience.
09:52
Tell me, what I can do
to give you more security in
the absence of a contract.
09:59
If I understood you correctly.
10:01
You are more efficient in the
afternoon than in the mornings,
or hey, you want to be
part of this project.
10:11
I think it's important
that we understand
that people sometimes
just react instinctually
and that we can help
them in the refraining.
10:20
You will find the quite often
when you positively refrain
people bond in kind
with positive words.
10:28
So at this point you might
be asking yourselves,
well, I want to improve my
skills, but I really don't know
how I can make myself
better understood
for here are five simple
ways you can do that.
10:39
They're very simple.
10:40
Number one,
nobody likes chaotic
communication.
10:44
Make sure you focus
your comments.
10:48
Number two,
in addition to focusing your
comments in a logical way.
10:53
Try to stay on the subject
until it is complete.
10:58
Number three,
quite often we feel we need to repeat
ourselves to get the message across
but we know that most people
already hear it the first time.
11:09
Number four structure
your respond
so that you have
the right priorities
so that when you're done you
have managed to cover all of
the points you want it to cover.
11:20
And lastly,
and most importantly,
don't stop halfway
in your thought.
11:25
Make sure to complete
your thought with
the fourth ear the appeal,
what exactly do you
want them to do?
Now there are a couple of myths
that go on about emotions
and negotiations.
11:40
First of all, that we should leave
emotions outside of the room.
11:44
We have to stay rational.
11:46
We need to stay
focused on interest
and be problem-orientated.
11:51
Well, what we know is
that positive feelings
strengthen communication
and strengthen agreement.
11:58
Interest are connected
to our emotions,
bad feelings block progress,
good relationship
support progress,
and emotions escalate conflicts.
12:08
Therefore it's important to understand
how emotions impact on negotiation
and might inadvertently
escalate a conflict.
12:17
We also know
that people tend to
get more emotional
and more irritated
if their authority is it put
into question or challenged
if all of a a sudden
agreed rules are broken
if they perceive to be insulted
or if somebody did something that
was culturally understood as rude,
one thing that really irritates
people is being misrepresented
or the feeling of being accused.
12:43
These will create several
blocking emotions within us.
12:48
For example,
being misunderstood,
fustrated, agitated,
or distrustful,
or being angry,
or fearful or the feeling
of contempt or embarrassment
shame, pride, disappointment,
all come into play.
13:06
All of us have felt
one of these emotions
and made sure not to
participate in negotiations
once were feeling this way.
13:15
What happens to us,
we build walls around
us to protect ourselves
for fear that the other
side is trying to provoke us
into a conflict escalation.
13:26
When you're in an
emotional situation
sit down and think through,
why is this person
feeling this way?
And what can I do to actually
understand the right feeling?
Sometimes it only helps
to say to the person
if I were in your situation,
I would also be frustrated.
13:48
Or to ask the other side,
So what are you afraid of,
do you think there's something
that we need to deal with?
What to say to
them something like
is there a way we
can build trust I see
that the you still hesitant
about the situation.
14:06
Is there a way I can
help you to save phase
or I'm sorry I'm
feeling a little ashamed
going back with this little
amount of concessions.
14:17
Is there a way that we can
increase the gains for
everybody at the table,
naming the emotion helps
everybody at the table
deal with it.
14:28
Let's be clear strong
emotions distract us.
14:32
They do more harm than good.
14:34
They generate a
feeling of retaliation
and in the end if
we're not careful,
it could lead to a stalemate,
the party's going their own way,
and in the end abandoning
their own negotiation.
14:48
However, dealing with emotion,
improves the relationship,
generates an atmosphere of trust
and allows people to vent their
annoyance in a constructive way.
15:01
Here are four tips for
dealing with the emotions.
15:03
Number one,
develop a constructive tone
develop some guidelines
on communication.
15:10
How should it work?
Should it be regular?
What should we avoid
in our communication
that will actually
escalate the conflict.
15:18
Number two,
build in cooling off periods
where people can actually
walk away recompose themselves
and think through what did
I actually want to say?
Number three, ensure that there are
safe spaces around the negotiation
where people can maybe
go and have side meetings
and talk about what
their fears are,
without having to lose
phase at the table.
15:44
Number four, make sure that
the process is building trust.
15:49
If you're building trust,
you will create an atmosphere
where people will feel validated
and non judged and will be more likely
to talk about some of these emotions.
16:00
Just remember,
a good listener is able to
communicate his or her interests
and needs efficiently
and meaningfully.
16:10
In a way that makes
others feel heard
and understood without
injury or insult.
16:16
I hope that through this lecture
you have understood the
importance of listening.
16:21
You've gained some listening
skills along the way,
you understand how to make
yourself better understood
and in the end if emotions
come up in your communication,
that you are able
to deal with them.
16:33
Thank you very much
and good luck in your
next communication.