00:01
In this lecture, you'll learn about active
listening.
00:04
You'll learn what it really is, how to
project the image of an active listener.
00:09
And you'll learn a simple technique to
gather and retain more information while
you're listening. Let's start out talking
about exactly what active listening
is. Many times people will be told you need
to work on your listening
skills, but they don't know what to do.
00:25
Have you ever been told that you need to
work on your listening skills?
If so, what did you do differently after
that?
Many times when people talk about listening
or when people try to work on their listening
skills, they don't really know what it means
to be an active listener and
they don't know what steps to take.
00:44
You will know exactly what steps to take.
00:47
There is a simple process that helps you
project the image of an active listener and
gather more information at the same time.
00:54
We're going to be talking about that.
00:55
But first, I'd like you to look at a picture
of someone who is listening to someone else.
01:00
Are you ready? I'd like you to quickly
judge.
01:03
Is the man in this picture actively
listening to the woman in this picture?
You ready? Go.
01:09
What do you think? All right.
01:12
Take note of what you thought.
01:14
If he is listening or if he isn't listening,
if he is actively listening or not.
01:19
And later on, we're going to discuss why you
thought what you thought, because most of the
signals that we send when we are listening
are nonverbal.
01:27
Of course, there are nonverbal signals that
we send as we're listening, as well as verbal
signals. But we're going to focus the next
few minutes on nonverbal signals.
01:37
The tactic that you're going to learn now is
a simple tactic that you can use the next
time you're in a position where you're
listening to someone and you want them to
know that you're listening and that you are
an active listener.
01:49
You ready? This is the soften.
01:53
The soften is something that you can do the
next time you're in a position where you want
to ensure that you're hitting all of your
cues, that you're hitting all of your marks,
that you're doing everything that you can to
tell the other person that you're listening
to them and make them feel as though you're
engaged with what they're saying.
02:10
The soften technique consists of six steps.
02:14
Here they are. Step number one, let's start
with the S.
02:20
The S stands for Smile, but it doesn't
literally mean you have to smile as you're
listening to somebody.
02:26
Sometimes when people listen to others and
as they relax and
engage and actually pay attention, their
face sends a message that says.
02:37
Oh, I wish you'd stop talking.
02:39
So if you have been listening to someone in
the past and as they talk, they
stop. And they say.
02:46
What's wrong? And you say.
02:49
Nothing. I'm listening to you.
02:51
Then this message is especially for you.
02:53
What it means is don't always focus on
smiling, but be aware of
the expression on your face.
02:59
So be conscious.
03:00
What is my face saying?
Am I showing I'm engaged or am I showing I'm
bored?
So simply pay attention to the expression on
your face.
03:09
Be conscious of it because it is sending a
message.
03:13
O Open posture.
03:15
We've talked a lot about body language in
these lectures.
03:19
The simple thing you want to do when you're
listening is just make sure that your chest
is exposed. You can be leaning forward, you
can be leaning back, you can be leaning to
the side. But to have open posture means
your shoulders are back and your chest is
open. Ready to receive a message, you'll
notice that in the image the man is standing
with not only his chest open, but his palms
up.
03:40
There are many different signals that you
can send to show that you're listening, but
in general, simply having an open posture
with your shoulders back is going to suffice.
03:49
F lean forward.
03:52
Let's just say that I were to tell you a
secret.
03:56
And that secret was the winning lottery
numbers that are going to be on television
tonight. I have access to them.
04:03
Would you like to know them?
There are many times where, as
communicators, we need to act ourselves into
a new way of thinking, as we've discussed
before.
04:11
So if you find yourself in a challenge
paying attention to somebody because they're
not as skilled as others in their oratory
capabilities, act like they're
fascinating. Leaning forward, watching your
expression, keeping open posture is
going to send the message that you're a more
active listener and you'll actually start to
become a better listener.
04:32
T tell people you're listening to them.
04:36
It sounds simple, but most of us, as we are
listening,
don't actually tell people we're listening.
04:42
And I mean verbally. A simple way to tell
people that you're listening is to use the
key word recognition and feedback.
04:49
The key word recognition and feedback is
while you're listening to people, you want to
recognize the key words that they use.
04:57
Here's what I mean by that.
04:58
We might have a huge vocabulary, but even if
you have a huge vocabulary, you
don't use all of those words all the time.
05:05
Most of us have a really small group of
words that we recycle all the time and we
drop key words into our verbal repertoire
that signal
what we're really focused on.
05:17
For example, let's say that I'm going to use
a lot of words right now that you'll be very
familiar with. However, a couple of them are
going to be words that we do not
use on a daily basis.
05:28
Those are the key words that I'm going to
drop in.
05:31
Those are going to be the things that are
most important to me.
05:34
All right. Here's an example.
05:36
I'm a customer of yours who's upset.
05:38
So I call you up and I say, I am really angry
because yesterday
I was treated poorly and I've been a loyal
customer of yours for 20 years.
05:46
What are you going to do about it?
What do you do? What are the key words that
I just used?
All of the words that I use just now are
common words.
05:55
I'm sure you're familiar with all of them,
but there was one key word that I dropped in.
05:59
And when I say it was a key word, it was a
word that, although you're familiar with,
you don't hear all the time.
06:05
And chances are you don't use very often,
except for those occasions where there's
something that you want to specifically
express.
06:13
And that word when you use it is going to be
a key that reveals what's important to you.
06:18
What was a key word that I just used when I
said something along the lines of
what happened yesterday made me angry.
06:25
I don't deserve treatment like that.
06:27
I've been a loyal customer of yours for 20
years.
06:29
What was the word? Loyal, although you're,
I'm sure, familiar with the word
loyal. How often do you use it?
How often do you say that you are loyal?
How often do others talk to you about their
own loyalty?
Not often. So if you start to listen to
people during the active listening
process and look for key words, you'll
notice.
06:50
Oh, that's a key word. That's a key word.
06:52
Words that people simply don't use every day
that's going to be expressing what's
important to them. And all you do once you
recognize them is when there's a break in
conversation and you can tell that they're
waiting for something from you.
07:04
Feedback. The key words.
07:06
For example, let's say that I were talking
to a customer such as the one I just
described, and there was a break in
conversation and I could recognize that the
customer is waiting for me to say something.
07:16
If I were to paraphrase, as many people do,
and say something such as, you know, you're
right, Mr. Johnson, you don't deserve
treatment like that.
07:23
You've been a great customer all of these
years.
07:26
He's going to be thinking, Mm hmm.
07:28
You don't get it. However, if I were to say
You're right, Mr.
07:32
Johnson, and a loyal customer like you
deserves better than that, then he would
think he's listening.
07:38
Why? Because I picked up the key word and
fed it back.
07:41
An eye contact is something we talk a lot
about, but many people actually make mistakes
with eye contact and use it too much.
07:48
For example, if you are in a conversation or
an interview or some situation where you
believe I'm kind of on the spot here, I'm
needing to pull out all of my
communication skills.
07:59
So I'm going to keep the eye contact and you
make the eye contact and you don't break the
eye contact and you keep looking at the
person throughout the whole meeting without
breaking the eye contact.
08:09
You will start to look as though you are
mentally unstable and you will start to look
aggressive. Remember, I talk a lot about
dogs and if you have a dog and you look into
the dog's eyes, the dog will look back at
you and then look away within a couple of
seconds. If it's a passive dog, if the dog
that you're holding
looks back into your eyes and holds the gaze
for more than 7 seconds, you have to be
aware that that dog is more aggressive by
nature.
08:34
And the same thing applies to humans when we
communicate with one another.
08:38
If the eye contact is held for more than 7
seconds, that's a sign of aggression in human
beings. And so if you are in a meeting or in
some situation and you deliberately don't
break the eye contact, people will start to
feel uncomfortable.
08:50
And if you simply if you recognize that a
few seconds have passed, maybe it's
getting close to seven, you simply look over
the shoulder and back.
08:59
As you're listening to them, they will see
that as normal and it will break the eye
contact so that you aren't seen as
aggressive simply because you're trying to
hold the eye contact.
09:09
And remember that if you're somebody who as
you maintain eye contact, your eyes are a
little bit wider than the average person's
eyes.
09:16
If you look in the mirror or look at yourself
in pictures and you see the whole iris of
your eye, remember that that is a sign of
aggression.
09:23
So people, if they have told you things such
as you can be a little intimidating
sometimes notice am I showing the entire
iris of my eye unintentionally because that's
a sign of aggression and that could make
people feel uncomfortable.
09:35
It's also, if you can see the whole iris, a
sign of psychosis and it could make you
appear to be a little off.
09:41
So watch the eye contact.
09:43
Look at yourself in pictures and in the
mirror.
09:45
Don't show the whole iris of your eye.
09:47
Lower the lids to cover the top.
09:49
And don't hold it for more than 7 seconds.
09:50
Or you run the risk of appearing off balance
and aggressive.
09:56
And nod. If you are listening to somebody
and you don't nod your head,
it appears as though you're not listening.
10:03
But men and women, when we not our heads, we
tend to send different signals.
10:07
For example, if I'm listening to you as a
man and I do this.
10:12
What message am I most probably sending you?
The real message. What am I probably
thinking that I'm sending with this?
And how about women?
If a woman is listening to you and she nods
her head, what message is she sending?
I realize again, not all men are the same.
10:29
Not all women are the same.
10:30
But in general, if a woman nods her head,
she tends to be saying to us,
I'm listening to you.
10:37
I understand what you're saying.
10:39
A man, however, only nods his head.
10:41
In general, when we find a point of
agreement and we're saying, yes, I agree
with what you're saying. So in general, a
man is saying yes.
10:49
A woman is saying, I'm listening and I
understand.
10:52
So many men, we don't knot our heads until
we find a point of agreement which can send a
message. We're not interested or we're not
listening.
10:59
However, you might find it difficult if
you're a man to nod your head because you
don't want to send a message that you agree
when you don't.
11:05
In that case, tilt your head to the side and
not it.
11:08
Because this message is very different from
this message.
11:12
Right? This message can say easily.
11:15
I understand. Yes.
11:17
This message says, hmm, I'm listening to
what you're saying.
11:21
And if that's difficult for you to do,
practice it so that it's no longer difficult.
11:25
Because if you can incorporate the entire
soften process as you're listening, simply
lean forward a little bit, make sure that
you have open posture, maintain the eye
contact, but not too much.
11:35
Watch the expression on your face and nod
your head.
11:38
Just that is going to ensure if you do it,
that you will hear people
say, you will hear this.
11:46
Thank you for being such a good listener.
11:48
And if you do not hear that now, if you're
someone who doesn't hear people tell you,
thank you for being such a good listener,
what that means is you are not a good
listener because when people tell you you
are, that means you are.
11:59
When they don't tell you that you are.
12:01
That means you're not.
12:02
Remember that it is not up to us to judge
our own listening skills.
12:06
If somebody says to you, you need to work on
your listening skills, that means you
do. It is not up to us to judge our
communication skills or our listening
skills. It is up to others.
12:18
So if you hear that you need to work on your
listening skills, watch, implement that
strategy, and you will hear the opposite
like that.
12:26
Now, I'd like you to take what we've learned
and look at that picture again of the man and
ask yourself, why did I judge him quickly to
be an active
listener or not an active listener?
Look at the signals that he's sending.
12:40
Do you see them? If you couldn't pinpoint
them before, you can clearly see
now he's leaning in.
12:46
He has open posture.
12:48
His head is tilted a little to the side as
if he's nodding.
12:51
He has a pleasant expression on his face, as
if he's enjoying being there and all of
those things put together in the flash of a
picture show.
12:59
He's actively listening.
13:01
The next time when you need to show that
you're actively listening, if you do that,
you'll get the same result. People will know
in an instant that you are listening.
13:09
Here's a little tip.
13:10
The brain finds it easier to remember things
when you make a visual
association, paint a visual picture and make
an association.
13:20
Here's what I mean by that.
13:21
Let's say that you meet somebody and her
name is Sally.
13:25
How do you remember Sally's name?
If you're like many of us, what happens is
you meet people, you go away, and then you
forget the person's name.
13:33
And it's embarrassing. The next time you
have to go meet them and say, What was your
name again? But remember, if you have a
strategy for remembering things like this one
I'm going to give you, your memory can
actually be strengthened.
13:44
You can be better at remembering things when
you start by using simple
systems. When you meet somebody, if you as
you meet them, number
one, use their name three times.
13:55
And number two, associate them with someone
else who has the
same name as they do.
14:01
For example, if you meet somebody named
Sally, do you know anybody or anything named
Sally? Because if, for example, you have
seen the movie Harry and Sally,
you know that. You know those names, Harry
and Sally, not something that you forget.
14:15
Make a visual association with the person
that you just met.
14:19
Meaning when you meet them, use their name
three times.
14:22
Hi, Sally. So, Sally, tell me about this.
14:25
It was nice to meet you, Sally.
14:26
And as you're looking at them picture, for
example, Harry
standing next to her and touching her.
14:34
Now the touching part is important because
in your visual associations you want
to connect what it is that you're
visualising with the person or the thing that
you want to remember. And so if you look at
somebody and you picture, and
if you can make it humorous, if you picture,
for example, Harry touching that
person, you will remember Sally.
14:56
If, for example, you meet somebody who's
named Patty, if you
remember Patty from the Peanuts comic, if
you picture, for
example, Snoopy and Charlie sitting with
Patty
and touching her, the next time you meet
Patty, you'll be more likely to remember.
15:14
Who is that associate her with?
Oh, yeah, Patty.
15:17
If you make associations.
15:19
Visual associations that touch one another.
15:23
Your brain finds that much, much easier to
remember than things
like. Her name is Sally or her name is
Patty.
15:31
There are many techniques that you can learn
to improve your memory.
15:33
That's just one. But it's great for
remembering names so that, again, you can
appear to be an active, engaged listener.
15:41
In this lecture, you learned what active
listening really means.
15:45
You also learned how to project the image of
an active listener and a couple of strategies
that you can use as you're listening to let
the person know you're listening verbally as
well as retain more information.