00:01
In this lesson. We're going to talk about how
using the verbal patterns that you've been
learning is going to change, not just the
way others perceive you, but it's going to
change your thought patterns and how the
world perceives you.
00:12
We're going to talk about how to take the
duct tape and magic phrases and use them
in a way that always projects power and
confidence and poise.
00:21
And we're going to talk about how to speak
with more confidence and power in brand new
situations that you're not yet familiar
with.
00:27
So you're always ready.
00:29
Remember that we've been talking about duct
tape tactics.
00:31
Duct tape tactics are tactics that you can
use in a variety of different circumstances.
00:36
What I'd like you to start doing is paying
attention to who we consider to be
powerful, professional, for example, well
paid communicators.
00:45
Look at politicians, for example.
00:47
Look at radio show hosts.
00:50
Look at people who interview others on
television.
00:53
Watch their verbal patterns.
00:54
And notice the duct tape tactics that you've
now learned and how they use them.
00:58
For example, if there is a political debate,
you'll see politicians say things such as,
let's say that one politician says to
another, Well, Joe, what do you think we
should do to solve the health care crisis in
this country?
And the other politician responds by saying
something such as, well, John,
I can appreciate that maybe my opponent
feels that socialized health care is the best
route to take. And maybe some of the viewers
are watching this at home have felt the same
way in the past. However, I have not found
that this will work for our country.
01:25
And let me tell you why.
01:27
When you see that now, you'll know what
they're doing.
01:30
When you go into a store such as Best Buy,
if you have a Best Buy or if you go into any
major department store that invests in
communication training, which, by the way,
you'll notice as soon as you walk in the
door, you'll notice that the people who sell
you merchandise will use things such as the
feel, felt, found.
01:47
You know, I went into Best Buy, which is a
place where you can buy televisions and
electronic goods. And I said to the young
man who was selling me a radio, I was looking
for a car stereo.
01:56
I said, Yeah, I think I want this one.
01:58
It's on special. And he says to me, Well, I
can understand why you might
think that that's the best radio for you.
02:05
And a lot of the customers who came in here
today, they thought the same thing.
02:08
But after I showed them the one that's on
special, they found that it was really best
for them, the one that I showed them.
02:14
And what I'm showing you now and I think if
you can just give me a chance, you'll see
that as well. And I was like, Oh, you did
not just give me the feel.
02:21
Felt found. You're 14. How did you know how
to do that?
And when you start to pay attention, you'll
notice all of the
different ways that you can use the verbal
tactics to remain in the
response mode, to overcome objections, and
to simply place
yourself in the category of those
successful, highly paid communicators.
02:42
And the biggest difference between a
successful communicator and a not so
successful communicator is that one who is
considered to be a powerful, successful,
savvy communicator is one who, as we
discussed, is always in the response mode.
02:56
They respond rather than react.
02:59
So let's talk about how the brain influences
our responses or our
reactions and what we can do about it.
03:06
We have talked about the brain, but it can't
be overemphasized.
03:10
The role that the brain plays in our
communication, the role that the chemicals
that the brain is releasing plays in our
communication.
03:17
Remember that every word you speak and every
phrase you use has a direct
chemical effect on the brain in the person
with whom you're communicating.
03:25
We're always communicating on a conscious
level.
03:28
On a subconscious level, on an atomic level.
03:30
On a genetic level. On a molecular level.
03:32
Did you know that if you're sitting next to
somebody, your genes communicate with the
genes of the person that you're sitting next
to?
Not your genes pants, your actual genetic
makeup communicates with other people's
genetic makeup.
03:45
For example, have you ever sat next to
somebody and you just feel that there's
a connection there? You know, you just feel
like, I don't know what it is, but I'm
attracted to you.
03:56
Genes look at the genes of the person next
to whom you're sitting and say, Hmm,
you have immunities to diseases that I
don't.
04:03
If we got together and made another person,
they would have a stronger immune system and
they want to be together.
04:08
We are always communicating on so many
different levels and we have very
little control over a lot of it.
04:15
We're starting to learn more and more about
how the brain works and the chemical process
that occurs and how we can actually control
it.
04:22
For example, did you know that you can
actually release phenylethylamine
Which is the love drug in other people's
brains so that when they're around you,
they'll think, woof.
04:33
I don't know what it is about you, but I
like it.
04:35
Mm hmm. You can do so much with the brain of
other people
if you just learn a few tactics.
04:43
So what we're going to talk about is why
that happens, how that happens, and how we
can have more control over it than the
average person.
04:49
You ready? We talked about our danger phrase
list and power phrase list.
04:54
You should always have that handy because
that alone is going
to change the brain chemistry of the person
with whom you're communicating.
05:02
For example, if you're in a position where
you need to get somebody to sign a contract,
when you give someone a contract to sign,
what is the average communicator say when
they hand someone a contract and ask them to
sign it?
What are the verbal patterns they use?
Chances are just now, when you thought about
the process involved in getting someone to
sign a contract, you thought of the words
contract and sign, right?
The average communicator, when they give
someone else a contract to sign, they'll say
things such as, All right, all that's left
to do is sign the contract.
05:32
Here you go. And what do people do at that
moment when you're given a contract to sign?
What do you do? Chances are you stop and you
read it right.
05:41
What's the last thing you want other people
to do when you give them a contract?
Stop and read it right.
05:46
You just want them to sign it and give it
back.
05:49
How can we get that result more often?
How can we get people to sign things, do
things, think things more often than the
average unskilled communicator?
I'll show you. Sometimes the words we choose
can make or break
any message. For example, the word contract,
the word sign.
06:08
Those words have a negative effect on the
brain of the person with whom you're
communicating. They cause they actually
start a toxic chemical reaction,
just as if I were to use words like murder,
death.
06:20
Just hearing those words made you cringe
right now.
06:23
Right? Oh, when we, for example, watch the
news.
06:26
The news most news channels have a very,
very
specific strategy to hook the viewers and
actually make
them addicts to the news.
06:37
Because when you listen to something
negative, when you watch something negative,
and if you watch the news, it's all
negative.
06:43
That creates such a strong chemical reaction
in your brain, albeit a toxic one,
albeit a negative one.
06:49
It makes you feel something.
06:50
And in this age that we're in, human beings
more than ever before in human history are
craving feeling something.
06:57
And we're going to be talking about that.
06:58
But a news station, for example, keeps
putting negative things out over and over and
over again because it creates a powerful
chemical reaction that we become addicted to
and people literally become negaholics.
07:10
And, you know, these people that you work
with that no matter what's going on,
they always have something negative to say.
07:16
You sit next to them, you feel bad.
07:18
And then there are some people who you sit
next to and you feel good.
07:22
The way we can change our verbal patterns to
be that person that other people
feel good around is by using a danger phrase
and power phrase list like that.
07:31
For example, the next time you need to get
someone to sign a contract, if you were to
use the words instead of sign a contract, if
you were to call the contract
paperwork an agreement, and if you were to
ask somebody to authorize it,
how different is a message when you were to
say instead of, All right, I
just need you to sign the contract and we're
ready to go or I'll write.
07:54
All this left to do is authorize the
agreement.
07:57
People love to authorize agreements.
07:59
They love it. They feel important.
08:02
It's as if when we say to somebody words
such as contract and sign, we're saying to
them, we need to talk, right?
Nothing good has ever come after that.
08:11
Choose your words wisely.
08:13
For example, when you are meeting somebody,
I'd like you to imagine right now that
you're meeting me for the first time.
08:19
All right? So I'm walking up to you, and I
say hi, and I put up my hand.
08:24
If you thought or if you physically actually
said hi, my name is and then ended the
sentence with your name put my name is on
your danger phrase list.
08:35
Why? I'd like you to think about who you
consider to be powerful,
accomplished, successful, savvy
communicators.
08:42
How would they introduce themselves?
They say things such as, Hi, I'm Dan
O'Connor.
08:48
Or Hi, I'm Oprah Winfrey.
08:50
Whoever it may be.
08:51
When we say to somebody, Hi, my name is,
we're telling them, this
is the label that was given to me.
08:58
That's what I'm called.
08:59
But I don't think a whole lot of myself yet.
09:02
So I'm just going to tell you what my label
is.
09:04
If we instead say, Hi, I'm so-and-so.
09:07
Or on the telephone, for example, Hi, this
is so-and-so, rather than my name is
so-and-so. What you're telling people is,
this is what I've become.
09:15
I'm more than a name.
09:16
I am Dan O'Connor or your name.
09:20
So when you change little things like that
within the first 30 seconds of meeting
people, you can change their entire
impression of you with one phrase
that could tip the scales, so to speak.
09:31
And remember, once we make an impression,
when we meet somebody, we don't want to
fancy ourselves poor judges of character.
09:38
So once our subconscious makes that
impression, we're going to look for things to
back it up. And most people aren't aware of
or paying
attention to small verbal patterns like my
name is or contract and sign.
09:52
Now that you are, you're going to have a
totally different impact on the brain of
those with whom you communicate.
09:58
All right. Think fast.
10:00
In a previous lesson in module one, we
talked about the power phrase to use instead
of You Make Me, that makes me or a hostile
question such as why
would you? Why were you thinking?
What were you thinking?
What is the three part verbal pattern that
we would use instead of one of those danger
phrases? I'll give you a hint.
10:19
We called it the hamburger.
10:21
Go. Right.
10:24
Chances are, even if you remembered the
hamburger is.
10:28
What is that? It is. What is that?
Remember that. It's when you.
10:31
I feel because that's it, right?
You're probably thinking, oh, that's it.
10:36
That's an easy verbal pattern.
10:38
Why did it not become immediately accessible
when I asked you for it?
Well, because our brain isn't used to
quickly accessing that information.
10:46
What can we do so that when we're in these
situations where we need to impress upon
somebody that we're credible and powerful,
we need to impress upon somebody that they
can trust us. We need to relate to somebody
in a way that gets through to them.
10:58
We need to tell somebody how we're feeling
in a way that they listen to and understand
and actually change the way they behave.
11:05
How can we access the information that lives
in the left hand side of the brain
when by nature of needing it, by nature of
being the moments where we need it the most
because they're emotionally charged.
11:16
Those are the moments where it starts to
slip away.
11:19
How can we more easily and effectively and
effortlessly
access those words and use them?
Let's talk about how to work with the brain.
11:29
All right. I'd like you to hold up your
hands like this, like you're making the Spock
from Star Trek.
11:35
If you're driving, don't do this.
11:38
You ready? Ok If right now you're struggling
getting your fingers to do
that. It's not your tendons in your hands.
11:46
If you're like this right now, it's not your
hands.
11:49
It's your brain that's not used to doing
this with your fingers.
11:52
So practice it every now and then and I'll
tell you why.
11:54
But take, let's say, 3 minutes a day and do
this with your fingers.
11:59
But this isn't the end. Keep them up.
12:00
Keep your hands up. Once you get your hands
to do this easily, then do
this. Oh, look at that. Oh, okay.
12:07
And I'll put them back. Oh, look at that.
12:09
Okay, do it again.
12:10
Oh, and you want to get to the point where
you can do that with your fingers and it will
become very easy.
12:17
Then what you want to do is once that
becomes easy, and I'm just talking about 1
to 3 minutes a day, do something like this.
12:24
We'll talk about other things you can do as
well.
12:26
But I want to make it easy.
12:27
Here you go. Once it becomes easy, put one
hand like this and one hand like
this. Do that and I'll do this.
12:35
Oh, now do it again.
12:37
Yeah. You ready to do that?
If you can just do that for a moment.
12:43
It's getting difficult. Just a moment.
12:45
A day. What you'll notice is it becomes
easier
every day becomes a little bit easier.
12:52
No, I'm starting to palsy up when you can
get to the point where you've actually
trained your fingers to do that.
13:00
Guess what you have done?
You have created new fibers in your brain.
13:04
You have created new wrinkles, new tissue in
your brain.
13:06
We have learned so much about the brain in
the past 30 years.
13:11
If you look at the history of brain research
and what we've been able to learn,
how the brain works and what's really going
on in there.
13:18
Almost every single thing we've learned,
we've learned in the past 50 years, most of
what we use and learn these days, we've
learned in the past 30 years.
13:28
We're just beginning to learn how the brain
works.
13:30
And one thing we've recently learned is you
can actually grow new brain tissue just
as when you go to the gym.
13:37
If you exercise your muscles, they grow.
13:40
They expand. They start to take a different
shape.
13:43
When you do that with your fingers, it
actually starts to change the shape of your
brain. It connects the different hemispheres
together, and that's what we
call hemisphere synchronization.
13:55
When you can do that, you are synchronizing
the two hemispheres of your brain when you
read a book. You're synchronizing the two
hemispheres of your brain when you play the
piano. That's hemisphere synchronization.
14:06
One last thing I want to show you to help
synchronize the hemispheres.
14:11
And we'll talk about why is if you ever
watch a
if you ever watch a square in Mexico.
14:18
I'm from Fargo, North Dakota.
14:19
But I spend a lot of time now in
Guadalajara, Mexico, and in small
villages, probably in other countries as
well.
14:27
But in Mexico, you'll notice that the square
has a gazebo in the middle of
it and there are people walking around in a
clockwise
pattern right around the gazebo.
14:39
Do this with your finger as if you have an
imaginary little gazebo in front of you.
14:43
And what you'll notice is in the small
towns, the girls go in this direction
and then the boys go on the other direction
around them, and they all look at each other
as they pass one another.
14:55
So take your finger now and go around the
opposite direction from the
finger that you have in front of you.
15:02
I've not yet mastered that one, but when you
can do one finger in one direction
clockwise and the other finger in a
counterclockwise fashion,
it's easy. One at a time.
15:12
Try doing it the same time that when you can
do it, synchronizes the
hemispheres of your brain.
15:18
I'm working on it. We'll get there together.
15:20
There are many different things that you can
do to help those two sides work together.
15:25
But what about when you want one side to
work alone?
What about when you want to say, Hey, wait,
I'm getting too emotional here.
15:32
I need to calm down myself.
15:35
What do I do? What you need to do for
yourself when you want
to calm down, for example, is, first of all,
not use the danger phrase calm down, but
we're going to be talking about hemisphere
switching.
15:48
So knowing this about the brain and how it's
difficult to get both sides
to work together, what happens when we find
ourselves in these communication situations
where it's emotional, but we need to draw
upon the left hand side of the brain because
that's where our effective language patterns
live.
16:06
What do we do when you practice these
communication tactics?
You can have them ready in these situations.
16:13
But when you couple practicing these
communication tactics with synchronizing the
two sides of your brain, you will be much
more likely to have them ready when you need
them and make the emotional connection that
you're probably wanting to make in these
moments. Because we'll talk about in other
lessons how when we're dealing with difficult
people, difficult situations, we do not want
to make the common mistake that most people
make of trying to shut off the emotional
side of the brain and speak just from
logic. For example, you probably had
somebody when you call up, let's say, a
credit card company or a bank or a utility
company, and you're upset.
16:49
And that customer service representative
starts off by saying things such as, Well,
sir, could I get your account number,
please?
And they try to disregard your emotion and
they speak just a logic.
17:00
What do you do? You tend to want to think or
say, Hey, you have
not yet paid attention to me and my emotions
and my needs.
17:09
We're not going to do that.
17:10
We're going to take a more whole brained
approach to communication.
17:13
And we're going to talk a little bit now
about, let's say we're in a difficult
emotional situation.
17:19
Somebody is attacking me verbally, somebody
is assaulting me verbally.
17:24
It's making me emotional.
17:26
But I want to speak in a tactical way so
that I can overcome the situation.
17:31
The right side of the brain is activated,
emotional.
17:34
I need to draw upon this side of the brain
so that I can finesse my way through this
situation. How can I do that?
We've already talked about synchronizing the
brain.
17:42
How can I synchronize it with my mouth?
When you learn simple lead in lines, it
helps you access the tactics that we've been
talking about and use them in these
emotional situations where you need to also
take a logical approach.
17:55
For example, we're going to talk about
clarifying questions.
17:59
Remember all questions, have names.
18:01
We have tag questions that we have talked
about.
18:03
We have open ended questions.
18:05
The ones that start out with tell me about
we have closed ended questions that require a
yes or no. We'll talk about many questions.
18:12
Spotlight questions, black light questions,
clarifying questions.
18:16
Sound like.
18:18
John, when you say I looked prepared in
today's meeting, it sounds like what you're
really saying is I didn't look prepared.
18:25
Is that what you're saying or.
18:27
John, when you say that you liked my idea,
it sounds like what you're really saying is
you did not like my idea.
18:32
Is that what you're really trying to say
when you ask somebody a clarifying question?
There's basically two parts you want to
repeat in a general sense what they
said. But remember, when you repeat what
somebody said, that's different from
backtracking. Remember that backtracking in
a communication course such as this is
going to refer to when I repeat word for
word what someone has just said to me.
18:56
That's not what we need to do here.
18:58
When you are asking a clarifying question,
you just need to paraphrase or
generally say what the person just said to
you.
19:06
And by the way, these are wonderful for
those of us who are dealing with passive
aggressive communicators at work, people who
tend to insult us in an
underhanded way, people who aren't really
clear with their intentions, which are, by
the way, aggressive.
19:21
How do we get somebody to be clear and
upfront with their intentions,
which takes away their reward, stops
negative behavior without
being negative ourselves?
How do we do that? Remember that most of us
fall into the trap when somebody
engages in aggressive behavior or passive
aggressive behavior with us, most of us fall
into the trap of, Oh yeah, well, I will be
even more aggressive with you or
more passive aggressive with you.
19:47
But remember, you cannot illuminate a room
with more
darkness. You can't take a negative object
in in a
laboratory and create a positive charge with
more negative energy.
20:01
The only thing that illuminates a room is
light.
20:04
The only thing that can positively charge a
negatively charged object is
positive energy. You cannot end negative
behavior with more negative behavior.
20:13
It does not work.
20:14
What you can do, however, is illuminate the
situation.
20:18
Shine light on to the person with whom
you're communicating.
20:22
Force them to be clear and upfront with
their communication while doing that
yourself. While being assertive.
20:29
Remember that assertive communication is
basically clear and upfront,
honest communication that creates a win win
situation.
20:38
And if somebody is being passive aggressive
with you, it's very difficult for us to find
the words right, especially if tactical
communication is new to you.
20:47
That side of the brain that's being
activated draws you right out of where your
words are. However, if you can just have a
simple lead in line,
are you trying to, for example, say that out
loud with me right now?
Say, are you trying to say that?
Okay. Say it again. Are you trying to.
21:07
One more time. Are you trying to?
Now, it seems really simple to say right now
when we're watching this lesson together.
21:15
Are you trying to insult me?
Are you trying to say you didn't like my
idea?
But watch when you need it.
21:20
Those words are difficult to find.
21:22
Just the other day, I experienced what you
may have experienced, where I had an
emergency situation, and I grabbed the phone
and I could not dial the number.
21:30
For the life of me, I had to really
hemisphere switch so that I could
deactivate that right hand side of the brain
and remember just how to use the phone.
21:38
You know what I'm talking about?
So when you have the situation present
itself to you where you can use one of
these tactics, are you trying to or ask a
black light question?
How important is that to you?
It seems simple now. It's not that simple.
21:53
Have the verbal patterns ready.
21:55
Practice them hemispheres synchronize and
it'll be easier for you to find them and
actually say to somebody, remember the two
parts?
Step number one, repeat what they said.
22:05
John, Mary, when you say XYZ, step number
two, it
sounds like what you're really trying to say
is A-B-C.
22:13
And then ask a simple confirmation tag
question.
22:16
Am I correct? Is that right?
Is that what you're trying to do?
Remember, when you do something like that,
you are taking away rewards because it's
not fun for anybody and you are not engaging
in the behavior.
22:28
That's one way that you can take a more
whole brain to approach to
communication during difficult situations.
22:34
If you practice another way is by label
planting.
22:38
Remember that we've been talking about our
brain and the role that it plays in
communication, but when a customer, for
example, meets us within the first 30
seconds, a customer is going to decide, Are
you capable of meeting my needs?
Are you professional, are you credible?
All these things they're going to determine
within 30 seconds.
22:57
And we missed so many opportunities to plant
the idea in other people's
brains that we're credible, we're capable.
23:04
This is going to be a good experience.
23:06
This is going to be fun. This is going to be
pleasurable.
23:08
I'd like you to think right now about the
words that you would like your
customers to associate with you or your
coworkers to associate with you.
23:18
If people were to describe you, what words
would you like them to use?
Or if people were to describe your
department?
If you're doing this for work, what words
would you like people to use when describing
your department?
Go. Think of three.
23:37
Okay. Did you get three words?
What I'd like you to do now is think of the
opportunities that you
have to plant those words in conversations,
for example.
23:47
Let's say that people thank you for things.
23:52
People may frequently throughout the day say
things to you such as, Hey, thanks for your
help. What do you say as a response to that?
If you just thought or used the phrase no
problem or not a problem,
remember to write that right at the top of
your danger phrase list.
24:09
When you use the phrase no problem or not a
problem that does many different things
that sabotages our communication success.
24:16
Number one, it tells people on a
subconscious level, I have not yet invested
in my professional communication
development.
24:22
Number two, it tells people you really are a
problem, but I'm going to say no problem so
that you'll feel better and you'll actually
feel worse.
24:29
And number three, it does nothing to help us
with our professional
image. If, however, you use a simple
situation like
saying you're welcome to label plant.
24:41
Remember that label planting is a specific
strategy used by many Fortune
500 and other companies to tell their
customers what to think of them.
24:51
What that means is if a customer calls you
up on the telephone and says, Hey,
thanks for your help, if instead of saying
No problem, let's say that you wanted people
to think of calling you and your
organization or your department as a
pleasurable experience.
25:06
If you were to simply say, It's been my
pleasure.
25:09
The more often you plant that word, you
know, like let's say that somebody
is calling you up and saying, Can you
connect me with Crystal
Dixon? And you were to say instead of sure,
I'll put you right through.
25:21
If you were to say, Oh, I'll connect you
with pleasure, or it would be my pleasure to
connect you. If you simply plant the words
in your conversation more
often, then you want people that you want
people to think of or use when
describing you. That's called label
planting.
25:37
And what you'll notice is if, for example,
right now you did a survey and you asked 100
people, what three words might you use to
describe me?
And you've got a bunch of words that you
weren't hoping to get.
25:49
And then six months from now, you did
another survey, and in those six
months, you consciously label planted at
least three times a day.
25:58
You will notice a significant rise in the
words that you chose that will all of a
sudden be on the surveys because you decided
to use those words, plant them in the brains
of the people that you want to think of
those words when thinking of you.
26:12
And they're they magically appear at the end
of the process.
26:15
We should be deciding how other people
describe us.
26:19
One of the first steps we could use label
planting and you'll notice a difference.
26:24
And these are things, by the way, that you
can monitor.
26:29
Remember that you can't manage what you
can't monitor.
26:32
And many of us are asking our employees or
our coworkers or our
families to improve their communication
skills.
26:39
But we have no benchmarks.
26:41
We don't know what to do.
26:42
We can't we can't physically touch something
or look at something
or say, Oh, you were too number three.
26:50
Now you're at a number four with things such
as label planting and adding surveys,
keeping a list of how you're using these
tactics and the results that you get.
26:58
You can do that.
26:59
You can actually monitor the results,
therefore manage the results.
27:03
And the last thing I'd like to talk about is
speaking of managers and
managing, if you are a new manager, chances
are you're going
to be self conscious and you're going to be
anxious in many communication
situations that work.
27:18
And it's difficult for us to use these
strategies because your brain is already
overloaded. We have many new things that
we're learning at work.
27:25
We're emotional, we're insecure.
27:27
How can I, as a new manager, a supervisor,
for example, if I'm in new communication
territory, how can I access these tactics
and show people, not only am I
in a new position, this is a new person that
you're all dealing with.
27:41
I am now coming from a different level.
27:43
Watch how simple it is to use tactical
communication in brand new situations where
you don't know what words you'll even need.
27:51
It's not always about the words, and I want
to clarify that before we end this lecture.
27:55
Sometimes it's about the concept, but we
have to implement the concept,
and you can do that with tactics, even if
you're not planning on the specific words
like Watch this one many times at work, we
might say to a new
employee that we'd like them to change their
behavior, and if we are
new in our position, they're going to
sometimes give us a little backtalk.
28:19
They're going to sometimes challenge our
authority.
28:22
Don't let your brain get too emotional.
28:25
When people challenge your authority, that's
part of the process.
28:27
It's natural. You know, if you have dogs at
home, you'll notice, for example, how dogs
challenge one another's authority and see
who's really in charge here.
28:36
We do many things that dogs do naturally,
instinctively, and it's
okay. People are supposed to challenge your
authority and see, are you supposed to be
where you are?
And you're supposed to be able to respond in
a way that says, Yes, I am.
28:52
How can you do that if you don't even know
what situations are coming?
How can you have the words?
I'm going to give you two tactics.
28:59
Okay. The first one I'd like to give you is
the broken record.
29:02
The broken record is one of the easiest
tactics to use, one of the most effective
tactics that will be using frequently.
29:08
And it requires no specific words to learn.
29:12
It just requires to know what the concept is
and implement it.
29:16
Many times at work, people will say things
to us, such as Let's say
that we say to an employee.
29:23
Can I count on you to do X, Y, Z for me?
And the employee responds with a.
29:30
I don't know. Maybe.
29:32
You know what I mean? People will come up
with strange responses to very common
questions because they want to test us to
see how we will react to that.
29:41
Don't react. Respond.
29:43
If you said something a moment ago that was
valid
and perfect and relayed the message in the
way you wanted to relay it.
29:53
Don't start changing your words because
somebody else is challenging your
words. If you say something right and you're
confident in it and you feel good about
it the first time, keep saying the same
thing over and over again.
30:07
For example, here's a simple, simple verbal
pattern
that may be. But so repeat that out loud.
30:16
That may be, but.
30:19
Say it again. That may be, but.
30:22
And one last time that may be, but.
30:26
Here's how you'll use that.
30:28
For example, take a difficult employee, as
we were talking about at work.
30:32
You say to them, I need you to do it this
way.
30:35
Can you do that for me?
And they respond with a.
30:39
I don't know. Maybe that's not how I've done
it in the past.
30:43
That's not how my old boss told me to do it.
30:46
What do you say? Or let's say that you're at
home because
remember, all strategies that are really
powerful and true,
they work in a variety of different
circumstances, both at work and at home.
31:00
Let's say you were to say to one of your
kids, if you have children.
31:04
I need you to be in by 10:00 tonight.
31:06
And they say to you.
31:08
Everybody else gets to stay out until 11.
31:11
What do you say? We've all had these
situations both at work and at home.
31:16
A child challenges our authority.
31:18
All my friends get to stay out until 11.
31:20
And what you'll see the average parent who
goes crazy arguing with their children
do is they'll say things such as, well,
remember we talked about it and you can't do
that until you're 17.
31:31
They engage and then once the child hears
you say something different, they know I've
got you on the run and they're going to keep
arguing with you because they've engaged you.
31:41
The same thing goes for employees who are
testing us at work.
31:43
If an employee says to us something such as,
I don't know, maybe it's not how I'm used to
doing it. So-and-so taught me to do it
differently before they're seeing What are
you going to do? And if you start to engage,
you will have more problems than
if you were to simply use the broken record.
31:59
You'll see that powerful communicators
around you on television, in
your personal life and your professional
life, the ones who we consider to be
powerful, savvy communicators, do not engage
when they don't want to.
32:12
When they have said something that they
think is valid, they'll just repeat it over
and over again.
32:18
Not just kind of word for word.
32:20
That's called a broken record.
32:21
Remember, when you know what it's called, you
will use it more effectively and more often.
32:25
And here's what you'll see.
32:26
For example, those savvy new managers or
bosses do they say to employees,
they say to an employee, you need to do X,
Y, Z.
32:34
And the employee says, Yeah, I don't know.
32:38
It's not how I used to do it.
32:39
Joe taught me to do it differently.
32:41
And you'll see that managers say, Well, that
may be, but we're going to do it this way.
32:45
And they'll say, But that's not how I'm used
to doing it.
32:47
And the manager would say, Well, that may
be, but we're going to do it this way.
32:51
Well, that way would take longer than the
way I've been doing it.
32:55
That may be, but we're going to do it this
way.
32:57
And generally the third time when you use
the broken record, people
recognize you're not engaging.
33:05
Just like when you say to a child, for
example, I'll say to my nephew, Eamon,
all right, Eamon, get your stuff ready.
33:12
We're going to the library.
33:13
And he'll say. I thought we were going to
the movies and I'll say,
Well, that may be, but we're going to the
library.
33:20
Oh, well, it's Saturday afternoon.
33:23
I want to go out and hang out with my
friends.
33:25
Well, that may be, but we're going to the
library generally.
33:28
The third time is when Eamon will look at me
and say, I can't even remember the library,
but that's okay.
33:34
Remember that when you communicate like that,
when you're using assertive communication
strategies like the broken record like that,
that may be, but.
33:43
You're not doing it for other people.
33:44
You're doing it for you. I'm not saying no
to you.
33:47
For you. I'm saying it for me.
33:49
I'm not standing my ground for my nephew.
33:52
Amen. I'm standing it for me.
33:54
And when you can use strategies that don't
even require words, you just
have to remember broken record.
34:01
I'm going to keep repeating myself until I
show you that you're not going to engage
me. And the broken record is a strategy that
I'm going to be talking about using with
many different tactics.
34:12
For example, not only will it work with what
we just talked about, which is called the but
rebuttal, where I say that may be but and
then repeat myself.
34:20
But what about specific difficult people at
work?
The challenger, for example, is that person
you work with who
asks you questions that are none of his or
her business.
34:33
For example, let's say that you're in a
meeting with your boss 15 minutes in the
boardroom. Then you come out and you sit at
your station or your cubicle or your office,
and the next thing you know, the challenger
comes along and they peek around the corner
and say, Hey, I saw you in there talking to
Bob for 15 minutes.
34:50
What was that all about?
That's the Challenger.
34:53
Or maybe you're at a family reunion and you
have an aunt who says to you something.
34:58
Such as? So.
35:00
When you get married, when are you going to
have kids?
And they ask you questions where you want to
say that it's none of your business?
Remember that in any relationship, the
person who asks
the majority of questions is the one with
the perceived power in that relationship.
35:19
And so many people who feel impotent or
without power in a
relationship, they'll start to ask a bunch
of questions.
35:26
And many times those questions are
inappropriate.
35:28
They're nosy questions.
35:29
They're really called challenge questions.
35:31
I'm challenging your authority by asking you
these questions, and I expect you to answer
them. Don't answer them.
35:38
Use simple strategies like the broken record
works like a charm
with the challenger.
35:44
If you couple it with one of the magic
phrases that we've already talked about, for
example, we've already talked about now
using magic phrases such as, that's
interesting. Why would you ask me that?
We've talked about using closed ended
questions such as, Are you always this
curious? And we've talked about the broken
record.
36:01
We've also talked about the 3/2 look where
you just look at people for 3 seconds and
most people are extremely uncomfortable with
3 seconds of silence.
36:10
So the next time you have, for example, a
challenger, remember, if you've had your cue
cards ready and practice them, you've done
your hemisphere synchronization, you tried
out verbal patterns and no risk situations.
36:21
You'll be ready to face the Challenger and
couple some of those
tactics together and say something such as
When a challenger says to you, Hey, what
was that meeting all about?
You could say, Interesting, why would you
ask?
And what's the number one response that
people use when you
ask them? Interesting.
36:42
Why would you ask me that in response to a
challenge?
Question Now, I'm not saying I would use
this when my grandmother says, Daniel, where
were you last night? That's not the time to
say, interesting, grandma, why would you ask,
you know, or or to my boss if they say, hey,
what's going on with that
report? I don't want to use challenge
questions with people who are not the
challenger. But if somebody does challenge
you and you say, interesting, why would you
ask that? What do they say back?
It's always the same. I'm just curious.
37:10
Now it's time for you to ask your closed
ended question.
37:13
Are you always this curious?
And of course, when you do that, people will
say 99% of the time,
yeah. And then you give them the 3/2 look.
37:24
And watch how simply doing that throws off
the pattern.
37:27
And then they'll stop and they'll say, What?
What were you doing?
Broken record it. Interesting.
37:34
Why would you ask that?
And when you have these strategies ready to
use during these situations,
people start to recognize right away.
37:42
Mm hmm. I'm not getting the reward I'm used
to with this person, and they choose their
next victim down the hallway.
37:48
You know, if you ask people, I'm going to
ask you to be upfront with your
communication. I'm going to ask you why you
would say things like that to me.
37:55
I'm going to ask you what your true
intentions are when you have these strategies
and verbal patterns ready.
38:01
You put other people around you on alert and
you let them know,
Here, I'm going to practice upfront, clear
and honest
communication. Assertive communication.
38:12
But assertive communication is not natural.
38:15
That's why they call it communication skills
instead of talents it's learned.
38:20
And remember, we talked at the beginning
about how the brain affects our
communication. Now that you're using and
implementing these new verbal patterns,
you're going to notice a big change because
not only will people respond differently to
you, remember that you know how your thought
patterns affect your verbal
patterns. Right whatever is in your brain,
comes out your mouth.
38:42
That's what we do.
38:44
But what you'll notice is how your verbal
patterns are going to start
affecting your thought patterns.
38:50
You actually think differently when you
speak differently, just like you speak
differently when you think differently.
38:56
We don't think an abstract thoughts.
38:58
We think in words.
38:59
And when you start to be more deliberate
with the words coming out of your mouth,
you'll notice a change in the words going
through your head.
39:06
And when you change the way you speak, which
changes the way you think,
you start to see things differently because
you're changing what you use to see things.
39:16
And when you see things differently, you'll
notice that people start to see you
differently. And you'll notice starting
today, changing your verbal patterns is
going to change, not just the way you think,
which will then change the way you see the
world. It will then change the way the world
sees you.
39:33
So get ready for a big change, not just on a
personal level, but on a
collective conscious level.
39:40
So in this lesson you learned how to use the
danger phrase and power phrase list to access
these phrases when you need them, when the
brain is drawing you out of them.
39:49
And how doing that how changing your verbal
patterns is going to change the way you
see the world and how the world sees you.
39:56
We've also learned how to use some of these
duct tape phrases and magic phrases in
difficult situations so that you can appear
to always have the right words at the right
time with power, tact and finesse.
40:08
And finally, we've talked about how to use
these tactics in brand new situations
where you can't find the words, but you can
still communicate tactically to project an
image of power and confidence.