00:01
In this lecture, you're going to learn how to
identify some of the difficult people that
you work with and why you would want to
identify them or in other words, know what
their names are. Once you do that, we're
going to talk about some freestyle scripting
techniques that you can use to effectively
deal with specific, difficult people such
as the backstabber and other passive
aggressive behavior at work.
00:22
And then we're going to talk about how to
use business tools, such as an availability
monitor to help you deal with different,
difficult people.
00:30
Why is it important to know what someone's
name is?
I'll tell you why. I'd like you to think
about the most difficult person you work
with. All right?
Think about that person, the one who you
bring home with you at the end of the day.
00:44
Think about that person.
00:47
I'd like you to think about that person and
how you bring them home at the end of the
day. You eat dinner with that person.
00:53
You wash dishes with that person.
00:55
You sleep in your bed with that person.
00:57
And what we do is we tend to think, for
example, if that person's name is Mary, ooh,
that Mary, she's driving me crazy.
01:03
Ooh, that Mary boy.
01:04
I don't know what I'm going to do with that,
Mary. That does us no good.
01:08
There aren't any resources or studies done
on how to change Mary's behavior when she's
around you. However, if you think, who is
that
difficult person? What is her name?
When she's difficult, what is her name?
You can go to, for example, your learning
library.
01:24
Everybody should have a learning library at
work.
01:28
And in your learning library at work, you
should always have various resources on
dealing with difficult people.
01:34
Because what will happen is if you know the
basic names of the different difficult people
with whom you work and live, then when
you're having a challenge with them, instead
of just trying to figure out on your own,
What can I do with Mary or What can I do with
Bob? You can recognize when Mary's
difficult.
01:52
She's a seven, for example, or when Bob's
difficult, he's a sniper.
01:58
And if you have the correct tools in your
library, you can then go to your library,
take out your tools and say, Sniper, sniper.
02:05
What was it again that I was supposed to do
with the sniper?
And you can review the type of behavior that
has been shown to work with a sniper, with a
steamroller, with a time bomb, and so on and
so on, because it's not your
job to study and remember who are all of the
different, difficult people and
how to deal with them? Chances are you're
going to deal with one specific type every
now and then. So instead of trying to learn
about all of the difficult
people, it's important to learn what their
names are.
02:34
Then when you deal with one of them, you
simply go to your library and then simply
reference that person in the chapter of the
book that you have in your reference library
and you're good to go.
02:43
Instead of memorizing everything, memorize
what you need to know and you need to know
what the names of the difficult people are
with whom you work.
02:51
So let's talk about a few of the most
common.
02:53
And by the way, for more information on
these difficult people, check out some of our
lectures, specifically dealing with the
compulsions that make us difficult and the
names of different, difficult people.
03:04
The sniper is simply one of the most common,
difficult people that we work with and live
with. There are three.
03:10
The three most common, difficult people that
you see on a daily basis are going to be the
sniper, the exploder and the steamroller.
03:17
You will recognize the sniper because that
is the person who insults you
masked in humor.
03:23
And they do it in a public forum.
03:25
When you're alone with a sniper, they tend
not to snipe you.
03:28
They wait until they have an audience
around, and as soon as other people are
around, they start to make jokes at your
expense.
03:36
And those jokes are aggressive.
03:39
However, they're doing it in what's being
concealed as humor.
03:44
Therefore, that's classic passive aggressive
behavior.
03:48
They're being aggressive.
03:49
They're just not being upfront about it.
03:51
And it's difficult for many of us to deal
with snipers and other passive aggressive
people because they're not being upfront.
03:58
And when we're not snipers ourselves, it's
difficult to
directly deal with a sniper effectively if
you're not a sniper, because they've been
practicing being a sniper their whole lives.
04:09
So if you think that trying to beat them at
their own game is an effective
solution, it tends to be disastrous because
if you've dealt with a sniper in the
past, they'll do something such as, let's
say that you have on a
new pair of pants and you come into work and
you walk past the sniper.
04:29
They might say something to you while there
are other coworkers around, like, Hey,
O'Connor, where are you walking to in those
pants back to 1985.
04:36
And then we feel bad, we feel frustrated,
and we want to sometimes snipe
them back. The average human being, when
faced with aggressive behavior,
wants to be aggressive right back.
04:48
Right. It is our natural tendency.
04:50
Somebody lashes out at us.
04:52
We want to lash out back at them.
04:55
However, it's not our natural tendency to be
effective.
04:57
That's why they call them communication
skills.
04:59
We learn them if you want to be effective
with a sniper and decrease the
odds that their behavior is going to
continue with you, don't engage with a
sniper and try to snipe them back.
05:11
Don't try to beat them at their own game.
05:13
On their playing field.
05:14
Even if you are a sniper, remember, this is
why we did a personal compass, because in
that sliver in time between event and
response, that sliver in time between when
the sniper snipes you and how you respond to
them, stop and reflect
on your personal compass.
05:30
Remember to ask yourself these three
questions.
05:33
Who am I? Why am I here?
What do I want?
And if you ask yourself those three
questions, chances are you're not going to
answer them by saying, Who am I?
I am an aggressive or passive aggressive,
nasty, negative communicator.
05:49
What do I want?
I want to show people how ugly I can really
be when I communicate.
05:55
And what am I here to do to win the blue
ribbon for the worst communicator in the
office? Yeah, right.
06:00
We don't do that. So if you can have the
presence of mind to stop and remember who you
are, why you're here, what you want, then
remember the tactics that have been proven to
work with the sniper, what they are, and how
to use them.
06:12
You can retrain the sniper to not snipe you
because they're not going to get the rewards.
06:17
You're not going to engage with them.
06:19
And some strategies that you can use to
respond to the sniper that tells
them, I will respond to you.
06:25
I'm not going to simply take it, which is a
reward, but I'm not going to respond to you
in that manner.
06:31
Are these number one, you can backtrack.
06:33
Remember, we talked about backtracking in
other dealing with sensitive or difficult
situations. Lectures and backtracking in a
communication situation is when
you repeat back to the person what they
said.
06:46
You can ask snipers spotlight questions.
06:49
Remember, spotlight questions start with are
you trying to?
Because especially when you're dealing with
passive aggressive communication, you want
to call people on their communication, ask
clarifying questions, force
people to be up front with their
communication with you, and they will stop
using passive aggressive communication
because it takes all the fun out of it.
07:11
Ask duct tape questions if you need to, for
example.
07:15
Why would you do that or why would you say
that?
Tell me why you think that.
07:18
Tell me more. Give them instructions.
07:22
Snipers do not like to be told how to behave
in an effective,
upfront manner.
07:28
And if you tell people, especially passive
aggressive communicators like snipers,
things such as.
07:35
In the future.
07:36
You can always be frank and upfront with me
in your communication as I am with you.
07:40
When you say things like that to passive
aggressive communicators, they don't like it,
especially when you do it in front of other
people.
07:47
Why? Because you're not engaging.
07:49
You're not saying negative things.
07:51
You're not saying hostile things.
07:53
You're simply being clear and upfront in
your communication and at the same time being
kind. Because it is kind to tell other
people what your expectations are when
you communicate with them.
08:04
Sometimes we don't and we pay the price.
08:06
It is always up to a savvy communicator and
an assertive communicator
to tell others what his or her expectations
are when communicating with them.
08:16
And finally, don't forget that silence is
always one of the most
effective strategies that you can use in a
difficult situation when you remember your
body language. Because if somebody snipes
you, for example, and instead of
taking it or taking the bait or engaging, if
you forget all of your tools, but
you remember the 3/2 look because remember,
this is a long time.
08:38
Watch this. That's
3 seconds.
08:44
Seems like an eternity sometimes, especially
if you're in a situation that's
hostile and someone just stares at you.
08:55
That 3 seconds lasts forever, right?
Most people can't do that.
08:58
They break under the pressure.
09:00
When you can combine these different
strategies, you will be effective at
responding, but not reacting to the sniper,
taking away the rewards and not engaging.
09:09
For example, if a sniper says to something
such as.
09:14
Hey, Bob, you did a great job in today's
meeting.
09:17
You looked really professional, and you
think, Okay, you're sniping me now in front
of my peers.
09:23
I want to respond to you.
09:25
I practiced.
09:26
You can say things like this, Bob, when you
say that I did a great job in today's
meeting. It sounds like you're saying I
didn't do a great job.
09:35
Is that what you're trying to say?
And nine times out of ten, a sniper is going
to say, Ah,
can't you take a joke? Come on, I'm just
kidding.
09:44
And then you give them the 3/2 look,
remember?
3/2 look. Hmm.
09:50
And that makes it uncomfortable for the
sniper who's trying to now engage with you
with humor. But let's say that the sniper
says something that they're generally not
going to say, but something like, yeah, I'm
trying to say you looked pretty dumb in the
meeting. If I were to ask a spotlight
question such as, are you trying to disrupt
this meeting? Are you trying to insult me?
Are you trying to say you didn't like that?
And the sniper says, Yeah, that's what I'm
trying to say.
10:15
First of all, don't worry about that,
because it almost never happens.
10:18
And when it does, you as a professional,
polished practice communicator, should have
other strategies ready to go.
10:24
That's when you might throw out, for
example, a duct tape tactic and say something
such as interesting.
10:30
Bob, why would you do that?
And Bob might say, Well, because I felt like
it and thought you wanted to know.
10:34
You could throw out a feel felt found.
10:36
Well, I can understand why you might feel
that that was the best route to take, Bob.
10:39
And maybe some of your colleagues have felt
that way in the past.
10:42
You could give them instructions and say
something such as, well, in the future, Bob,
if you have something to say like that to
me, you could always be frank and say to me
in private, as I would with you, and when
you have different strategies ready, you
deliver them with confidence and you
remember your posture.
10:57
You stand up, you face the sniper or the
difficult person.
11:00
You tilt your head forward, not to the side.
11:03
If you have dealt with those types of things
in the past over and over again, you won't
anymore. For example, let's say you deal
with explodes.
11:10
Explodes are those who when they get angry.
11:15
Explode in anger.
11:16
They yell. They throw temper tantrums.
11:19
They scream. And most people, when they're
around an exploder, what is the
first thing that they say to them?
Let's say that a customer comes in and is
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and screaming
profanity. What's the first thing most
people do when they want someone else to calm
down? What do they say?
Calm down. As a professional communicator,
you should have strategies to
deal with exploders because we see them all
the time.
11:42
Snipers. We see them all the time,
nicoholics.
11:44
Time, suckers. The Exploder has several
different phrases that tend to
trigger the right hand side of the brain and
give them what they need.
11:52
In the moment, they are exploding so that
they can get satisfied and then open up
the left hand side of the brain to receive a
logical message which tends to guide them in
a different direction and then pass them
along and they're out of your department.
12:05
Number one is an empathy statement.
12:07
Remember, empathy statements can be really
simple.
12:09
They begin with things like, I can see, I
understand, I can tell.
12:14
And by the way, if you would normally say
something such as while I can see how that
would yada, yada or boy, I can understand,
remember that if
I say, John, I can see you're really upset.
12:27
That might be my language.
12:28
You might say something such as, Boy, I can
see your and used profanity.
12:34
That's fine. You know, whatever the language
patterns are for the environment that you are
in, those are the language patterns that you
should use.
12:41
So if you believe that certain language is
more appropriate at your workplace than
it would be at mine, that's just the same as
recognizing there are language patterns
that are appropriate for the boardroom, and
those are different from the ones that are
appropriate for the bedroom, and those are
different from the ones that you'd use at the
dinner table. If I gave a baby to you to
hold right now, you
would change your tone in your verbal
patterns and use baby talk.
13:08
Just as if I were to give you my dog, you
would change your words and tone to speak dog
talk. We recognize many different situations
as those in which we should change our tone,
our words, our patterns.
13:19
And when you're dealing with a difficult
person at work, you can feel comfortable
recognizing that is a time to change your
verbal patterns, because we
don't want to speak the same way in every
situation, or we will get the same results in
every situation. So you can feel free to
change the words.
13:36
But when you validate, for example, that's
when you say something.
13:39
Such as what?
You can say, I understand why that's so
frustrating for you.
13:45
I can understand why you'd be angry.
13:48
Or do you remember the three word magic
phrase that we talked about
when I'm on the phone with my mother, for
example, and she's going on and on and she
wants the attitude of attention.
13:59
But I have to give it quickly because she's
talking what are three word magic
phrases for validating.
14:06
Things such as?
Oh, that's horrible.
14:08
Remember that one? And again, you can say
that however it suits you best, you can say
to somebody as they're upset, especially if
they are exploiters.
14:15
You can say something such as, Oh my gosh, I
can see how upset you are.
14:19
And I can sure understand why that, oh, my
gosh.
14:23
Is like, oh, that's horrible.
14:24
Rats. That stinks.
14:26
Mm hmm. Anything that validates the way
somebody feels is going to
get you to where you want to go.
14:32
Remember that. You can tell an exploder that
they're right.
14:35
That phrase you're right is exactly what an
exploder wants to hear, because
most of us at one time or another have
exploded.
14:44
And generally when we explode, when we're
yelling and screaming, why are we doing that?
When people get to the point where they're
yelling and screaming and exhibiting
outrageous behavior, it's because somewhere
in their brain they're
thinking, evidently the behavior that I
normally exhibit.
15:01
You're not getting you're not understanding
isn't loud enough for you isn't clear enough
for you. So maybe if I yell and scream, then
someone will understand.
15:09
So if you're the person who tells them, I
understand, you know, I understand why that
would upset you. I can appreciate why you'd
be so angry and then follow it up with a and
you're right. Remember, it's not saying
they're right and you're wrong.
15:23
It's not acknowledging blame or culpability
of any kind.
15:27
It's simply using the phrase find a way to
use it.
15:30
You're right. Things like this can be so
frustrating.
15:32
You're right. Someone needs to attend to
this right away.
15:34
You're right. This is a problem.
15:36
It's simply saying the phrase that's going
to get them unstuck because you're activating
the right hand side of the brain.
15:42
And that's specifically when somebody's
yelling what they're saying they want.
15:46
They're saying, validate me.
15:48
That's what we do. And this might sound like
a little bit
counterintuitive, but when you compliment an
exploder
on something, they tend to exhibit that
something.
16:01
What I mean by that is this what's the
characteristic that an exploder
is not exhibiting that you'd like them to
exhibit?
A little more self-control maybe.
16:12
Right. So what do you think based on this
tactic that we're talking about now,
complimenting someone on a characteristic
you'd like them to possess, what do you think
you would compliment an exploder on their
self control?
Now, I do not, of course, mean to tell
somebody who's emotionally out of control
something such as, Wow, I'm impressed with
your self-control.
16:33
No, of course not. But if you say to
somebody something such
as? Mr.
16:40
O'Connor, I apologise.
16:42
And to tell you the truth, I'm surprised
you're not more upset by this.
16:46
When you say something like that, I am
surprised that you are keeping it together at
all. Something that's letting them know I'm
complimenting you on your self-control, even
though you're exhibiting zero.
16:56
What people tend to do is behave as if.
17:00
That's right. Mm hmm.
17:02
I can keep it together. That's right.
17:03
Because we want to live up to others
expectations.
17:06
So if you're treating somebody as if they
are out of control, they will just become
more out of control. If you're treating them
as if, wow, I'm impressed with your skills
that you can keep it together like this
under these horrific circumstances you're
dealing with, people then tend to behave as
if.
17:20
That's right. And finally, if you use
boundary statements, people
talk about boundaries a lot, but very few
people know how to deliver a
boundary statement.
17:31
I hear people it was kind of a catch phrase
in around 2008.
17:34
People would say boundaries, boundaries, but
they don't really know
what it is to tell somebody, you're crossing
a boundary and if you stop, we
can continue. If you don't, we're not going
to.
17:47
A boundary statement helps you articulate.
17:50
Hey, hey, hey.
17:52
If you can communicate, especially in an
emotionally charged situation, hey,
here's how you are crossing some boundaries.
17:59
However, if you instead change your behavior
to a different direction, you might just
get what you want. If you can articulate
that, you will get better results than
those who simply say things like, Hey,
boundaries, boundaries.
18:11
So, for example, let's say that you're
talking to an exploder.
18:14
Well, you're listening to an Exploder and
they're emotionally out of control.
18:18
And they start yelling and they're yelling
and yelling and yelling or they're using
profanity or they called you a name or
they're being negative, whatever it is.
18:25
And you think, I've had enough?
This is where it ends. Because remember.
18:29
Whatever your position is.
18:32
It never includes being emotionally or
verbally assaulted or
abused. That is never part of any job
description.
18:39
So if somebody does cross that line, you can
always use a boundary statement to tell them
something such as John, John, John.
18:46
And by the way, if you want to interrupt
somebody, use their name at least three
times. People tend to stop and say, what if
you were to say, John, John, John.
18:53
I do want to talk about this with you, but
not if you're going to continue to use
profanity. And you might throw in an
empowering phrase like, would you like to
continue talking about this now or would you
like to take a few minutes?
Or you might say something such as?
George, I do want to hear all of your ideas
and everything you have to say, but not in
this manner. A boundary statement helps you
articulate, I do want to help
you. I do want to solve this for you.
19:17
I do want to work with you.
19:19
But I'm not going to if you talk to me that
way.
19:20
I'm not going to if you use that language,
I'm not going to if you continue to behave
this way. If you can, as a calm, cool,
collected
communicator, deliver these types of phrases
in the situations that warrant them,
it's impressive and it's effective.
19:35
And what people will recognise is they're
not like the average
communicator. Therefore I'm not going to
exhibit my difficult behaviour around them as
I do in front of the average communicator
and they're effective in the moment.
19:48
So when you're that person, you know that
person at work who seems to always have the
right words at the right time.
19:54
If you're that person, your value skyrockets
in any organisation
because people will think that you will be
able to handle any situation.
20:02
And it's true. But remember that you need to
practice and practice and practice just like
an ice skater. You know how ice skaters make
it look really easy when they skate around
the rink, they make it look smooth, they
make it look effortless, just like savvy
communicators make it look smooth and
effortless as they deal with different,
difficult people as they handle difficult
situations.
20:21
It's just like an ice skater.
20:23
They practice. And then when it comes out
during the situations in which they're
warranted, it looks easy with a backstabber,
for example, that somebody that a lot of
us deal with at work and we struggle dealing
with the backstabber, this
specific pattern.
20:38
Helps tell the backstabber that you are
aware of their backstabbing if it's with you,
if it's not with you, by the way.
20:44
There is no reason why you would talk to a
backstabber about their backstabbing behavior
unless it was specifically about you.
20:50
Or else it would basically be considered
gossip.
20:54
So when you want a backstabber to stop
backstabbing you, you know, to
stop being nice to your face and then saying
negative things about you behind your back.
21:03
If you go through this four step process,
it's been shown, I have seen it to stop
the behaviour much more than any other
process I've seen.
21:11
Number one, you ask them for help.
21:13
Number two, you use a desk script.
21:17
Number three, you give them an out.
21:19
And the number four, you give them a reason,
for example.
21:23
John. I need your help.
21:24
Some people. They're saying things about me
and this organization that may or may not be
true, but it's difficult for me to hear.
21:31
And it's hurting the relationship.
21:33
Not that I have with my boss, but that I see
my coworkers have with one
another. Because this person or these
people, I don't know who it is, are spreading
negativity and really dragging down the
team.
21:44
Can I please ask you that if you hear
anything like this about me or see anything
like this about me, you call whoever it is
on their behavior and tell them to come to me
because I'd be happy to talk with them and
be upfront with them as they're not doing
with me. And if you could do that, I would
really appreciate it, because I know that
you would do that if you were in my
position.
22:03
Right. And then the backstabber would say,
Well, yeah, sure, sure.
22:06
Then you could say, Great, if you could do
that for me, I would appreciate it because I
don't want to have these types of talks
anymore.
22:12
Is that what I did just now is I asked the
person for help.
22:17
I used a desk script when I described the
situation and how it's impacting the team and
what I think would happen.
22:23
Then I gave them an out saying something such
as, I know you'd do the same thing for me,
right? You wouldn't want this to happen to
me, right?
Right. And then I give them a reason and
then we can stop talking about this.
22:36
Is that all right? Because when a
backstabber knows they're this close to being
found out, so to speak, you're right.
22:42
They're discussing it in a very civil,
direct, assertive manner.
22:45
They're going to pray.
22:47
Please let this stop.
22:48
Please let this stop, because I'm almost
caught right here in the act and there are
too assertive for me. I can't take it.
22:53
And so when you say and then we won't have
to talk about this anymore, would that be all
right? They're going to feel as if that was
a close one and I'm going to go backstab
somebody else. And remember, it's not my
goal, nor is it my ability
to stop somebody else's difficult behavior.
23:09
It's up to each and every one of us when we
decide I've had enough of exhibiting that
behavior, so I'm going to take action to
stop it.
23:16
That's when it will stop.
23:18
I can't do anything about someone else's
difficult behavior.
23:20
I can, however, train them not to exhibit it
with me and
remember that these different strategies and
these tactics that we talk about are all
about being upfront and direct, because it's
almost impossible when you're
being passive aggressive or negative.
23:36
Basically, when you're casting darkness, it
is impossible
to do it to light, right?
Light casts out darkness.
23:45
Positive energy casts out negative energy.
23:47
When negative energy and positive energy
meet in the laboratory, the positive energy
has more power than the negative energy.
23:54
And if two things come together, one of them
has a negative charge, one of them has a
positive charge. When they come together,
something's happening to the energy.
24:03
And what will happen is if two things come
together, the negative
item takes on a positive charge.
24:11
If the positive charge wants to transfer
that energy,
that's what you see.
24:17
For example, if you do experiments in a lab,
positive energy is more
powerful than negative energy.
24:23
Light is more powerful than the darkness.
24:26
You cannot transform negative behavior or a
negative environment
with more negative behavior or a negative
environment.
24:34
It doesn't work that way. You can't cast out
negative energy with more negative energy.
24:38
You can with positive energy.
24:39
And so if you use positive communication
principles and tactics like the assertive
ones we're talking about, you can cast out
the negative communication in your
office. The last thing I'd like to mention
is the use of business
tools. Sometimes it's difficult for us to
find the words, you
know, even if you've been through all of
this training and you've
practiced and practiced, when it comes time
to be assertive, if you're more of a
passive personality type by nature, which is
natural and normal, it's difficult to find
the word. Sometimes.
25:13
I like to make it easy if I am dealing with
a certain situation, and I
recognize it's really going to be difficult
for me to find the right words.
25:22
You might want to try using a business tool,
for example, the time sucker, you know, the
time sucker, because they're that person
who, when you hear them coming down the
hallway, you start to think, Oh, oh, geez,
oh, geez.
25:34
I got to think of something to tell them I'm
doing I've got to think of an excuse, because
if they come in here, I'm going to lose 20
minutes, half an hour, an hour of my
time. And so we think we try to think of
excuses.
25:45
We think of excuses, and then they come in.
25:46
Hi, you have a minute?
Or they just come in and start talking.
25:50
And if we don't have a plan and if you're
more of a passive person by nature, chances
are you let them suck time from you time and
time again.
25:58
And many people are thinking, Yeah, but they
suck it from everybody.
26:01
I mean, the time sucker that I deal with.
26:03
Come on, they're so difficult now.
26:05
You don't understand. They are sucking time
from everybody, but they're
not. There's always one person.
26:12
If you watch a time sucker go around an
organization and suck, suck, suck, suck, suck
from everybody. There's always one person
they pass by because they know that person is
not going to reward them.
26:22
And listen to them if you want to be that
person.
26:24
Here's a simple strategy that you can
implement.
26:27
By the way, if you are a manager, we have to
keep in mind as managers that
a great amount of our time on a day to day
basis is actually expected to
be acting in a counselor position.
26:40
Meaning part of a manager's job really is to
listen to his or her
employees. Just listen to them, just give
them some time.
26:49
So keep that in mind.
26:50
It's not the goal of using the following
tool to prevent
everybody from talking to you so that you
have the entire day for yourself.
26:58
If you are a manager or a supervisor or even
a team member, it's part of our
job to give time to other people.
27:05
But if it's gone over the line and now we're
talking about a time sucker,
try these three steps the next time you want
to stop that behavior.
27:14
Number one, you have to set boundaries with
the time sucker, just like any other
difficult person. You have to tell the time
sucker how you expect them to behave.
27:23
And once you have set boundaries and told
the time sucker and you can do this simply
using a desk script, you told the time
sucker what your expectations are.
27:32
For example, John, I need your help.
27:35
I've noticed that sometimes I let my time
get away from me at work and I don't manage
it as efficiently as I could.
27:40
That's the first part of your desk script.
27:44
The second part of dealing with a time
sucker is to tell them what your expectations
are. So when you finish up your desk script,
you can simply say something such as
So I would appreciate it if you in the
future, if you see me doing something that I
shouldn't be doing because it's not on my
schedule.
27:59
For example, if you could alert me to that
and say, Hey, Dan, I think you might need to
stick to your schedule.
28:04
That would help me not only get my work
done, but then, for example, when I want to
talk to you, I'd be better equipped to pay
attention because I would know it's part of
my schedule. Can you help me with that?
When you use the desk script to cover steps
one and two, meaning you're going to tell
somebody what your boundaries and
expectations are, and then you're going to
tell somebody what to do.
28:24
It makes it really simple and covers steps
one and two, step one when dealing with the
time, sucker set boundaries and
expectations.
28:30
We've talked about that.
28:32
And step two, tell them exactly what to do.
28:34
Meaning I just told Bob if he sees me doing
something that's not on my
schedule, could he please alert me to that
and tell me to get back on schedule?
And once I've done that, I've set the stage
with many different difficult people.
28:48
Remember that it's important to set the stage
if you're dealing with passive
aggressive behavior or behavior where people
are exhibiting this behavior and they truly
don't even know it, they're not trying to be
aggressive or passive aggressive, they're
just being themselves.
29:02
But you need to stop the behavior.
29:04
Setting the stage can really be the trick
that helps you conquer that
difficult behavior.
29:10
For example, in this case, I'm telling my
time, sucker, this is what I'm struggling
with. And here's what I'd like to do in the
future.
29:17
Will you help me with that?
That's setting the stage.
29:19
Now, step three comes into play, and if I
see John entering my office the next
time, I can tell him something like, Hey
John, I am so excited.
29:28
Remember when we talked about how I was
struggling, dealing with my schedule?
I have found a tool that I think is going to
work great for me and I.
29:35
I'd be happy to share it with you.
29:36
You want to use it for yourself as well?
It's called an availability monitor.
29:40
Look, it's super simple.
29:42
And you explain to your time sucker what an
availability monitor is.
29:46
What it is is a simple tool.
29:49
It could be like when you go to a Brazilian
restaurant, if you've ever been to one of
those, they have these things that look like
egg timers.
29:55
You see it on your slide and on one side it's
red, on one side it's green.
30:00
What you do with them. By the way, if you
haven't been to one of these restaurants, you
flip it green side up means come bring me
more food.
30:08
Red side up means I'm full.
30:10
And you sit at a Brazilian restaurant for
hours on end, flipping it from one side to
the other, and each time it's green, they
come bring you more food.
30:18
If you get a chance to purchase one of those
and you put it on your desk,
you're done. That's an availability monitor.
30:25
If, however, you don't have a Brazilian
steakhouse that sells the green and red egg
timers close to your house, you can take out
simple construction paper or in
your resources that come along with this
lesson.
30:36
There's a template.
30:38
Basically, all it needs to be is some type
of sign that you put up on the wall
and it says Availability Monitor.
30:45
And then you explain to people, See this
thing that I can flip back and forth.
30:49
One side is green and it says available, the
other side is red and it says busy.
30:54
All you need to do is explain to people What
I'm trying to do for me is I'm going to
when I have on my schedule that I'm busy,
I'm going to flip that to red
or flip my timer to red or whatever it is
that you want to use as your availability
monitor. I'm going to change that because
I'm busy, so I want you to
please help me do this.
31:14
If you come into my office or if you call me
up on the phone and my availability monitor
is set to red, I'm not even going to say
anything.
31:21
I'm going to try to train myself to simply
do something like ignore the distraction
or. Tap on the availability monitor if the
distraction is an understanding.
31:30
So if you see me do that, please help me do
that and encourage me.
31:34
Will that be okay with you?
And if you'd like to use it, by the way,
I'll be happy to get you one.
31:38
Watch how people will say, Oh, okay.
31:42
All right, great idea.
31:43
And the time sucker won't be offended.
31:46
They won't have their feelings hurt because
they won't know that you're talking about
them when they enter your space.
31:51
This is the difficult part because remember,
it's never easy to be an effective
communicator. When they come in to your
space, you're not going to look up.
31:58
They'll say, Hey, what are you doing?
And it's up to them to recognize.
32:03
Oh, that's right. That's the availability
monitor that Dan told me he'd be using.
32:06
It's set to red. Oh, he's not going to
answer me.
32:09
And they might say something like, just,
hey, just one minute.
32:12
Hey, Dan, just. I just need a minute.
32:14
Don't respond, because you've already set the
ground rules.
32:16
And if you break your own rules, you have no
chance of other people not breaking them
if they keep going.
32:23
All you have to do is tap on your
availability, monitor, point to it, look at
it. But you've already set the rules.
32:29
You can't break them, so you will not be
interrupted while your availability monitor
is set to read.
32:34
Don't forget to set it, because if you don't
set it, you can't expect people to follow the
rules. That's a simple business tool.
32:42
It's easy, it's free, and it's effective.
32:45
If you start using business tools to help
you when you can't find the words or
are uncomfortable finding the words, but you
can still deliver the message that you need
to deliver. They can be really effective.
32:56
They can shorten the time that it takes to
start training people how to treat you.
33:01
And they're easy.
33:03
So with the things that you've learned
today, you should be able to recognize some
of the names of the difficult people that
you work with, like the time sucker, the
gossip, the backstabber.
33:12
And once you've named them, now you have
simple tools that you can start using.
33:16
Once you've done that, and you have business
tools that you can use if you can't find the
words with the tools that you've learned
just in this one lesson, you'll be able to
start effectively dealing with all of the
difficult people in your life.